thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
Thanks to those who read and/or commented on my recent post. I'm in a much better place emotionally and physically, focusing rather than on going somewhere else, to much more effectively and aggressively use the local resources I have. This includes finding a private practice psychiatrist whom I don't have to wait 8 weeks to see and doesn't have a limit of number of visits per year, and moving all medication management in that direction. I'm now much more willing to try some mood stabilizers outside of the SSRI spectrum that I don't feel have worked much or at all, and to find someone willing to work with me in terms of the Sinclair method. Support me in it, not just tolerate it or look down on it. Taking action steps like that feel incredibly empowering. And if there are other mood and hormonal issues due to my age, I'll just find out what I can and assume that it's a factor as well in all of this. I know my patterns very well, and while I can't remove all of the stressors and expected emotional ups and downs that come with being my age (and my parents being their ages), I can use all of the resources I have and commit to finding a way not to let the emotional and psychological fluctuations become so polarized and, at times, dangerous.

Adulting is certainly hard sometimes, but I'm incredibly fortunate in having such a tremendously supportive and understanding life partner, friends, family and even colleagues.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Many ups and downs last week; a highlight being a Mabon, mini-ceremony of just two of us in the park. I've also been able to become further reconciled to the reality that I may only sell a dozen or two total copies of anything I write. It really is absolutely fine. 'The Swan and the Seal' isn't yet available beyond Lulu, but should be at some point fairly soonish. I wrote a bit of new material for Defender of the Way while in Wenatchee, but haven't done much since (though typing in all of the edits took a while). I know it will all work out.

I'd planned to start getting up around 5:30 each day, do my 90 second plank and Pilates 100s and prior to starting work, spending some time at my altar and drawing a card from my Oracle deck to have as a daily focus. That lasted maybe 2 days before things got wonky. Well, I know what it is: I like to sleep in on my days off. But I still want to develop the habit of those pre-coffee mini-workouts and return to regular workouts of 3-4 a week. I know I'll feel better for it. I've also just been overindulging in general in a variety of ways and feel gross a lot of the time. I'll be trying to focus more on proteins and vegetables- something else I know future Kristi will be grateful for. It's just that present Kristi so often wants cheese rice or black beans with lots of sour cream or things similar.

I also have realized that going to Sewanee in November for a less than 72 hour trip just to sing through Godspell isn't a great idea for me right now, especially if I tried going solo. Too many ways that could go really, really wrong, especially having to rent a car and driving up and down the Mountain. I'm disappointed, but there's going to be a huge choir reunion in the spring with the retirement of Dr. Delcamp, who's been organist/choirmaster there for... 37 years. A long time. ;) Makes way more sense to plan that trip in April and maybe also spend a day or two in Nashville to show Evan another of my former haunts.
thrihyrne: (asian text)
(posted originally to LJ)

I don't post very often here anymore, nor do I check as often, but this morning as I was doing so, I realized just how much I miss it. So, hello!! I did get in about a half hour or so of writing this past week, which just isn't very much. I keep thinking I'll take time and I nearly always decide to knit instead, or call someone, or just sit quietly play Candy Crush. This week is The Week Before I Have To Return to SF For Another Work-Required Visit. Last November was an absolute clusterfuck. This visit won't be, but I still have enough churning negative feelings about it to be savvy enough to have scheduled sessions with my therapist both before and after the trip. The days themselves for this summit will be absolutely packed from morning until night, so no hope of creative pursuits next week. It will be an endurance test, while trying not to see it as an endurance test, while trying to respect all of my emotions about being there, away from my support system, and not getting too snarky with colleagues or openly negative about many of my thoughts about upcoming changes I'm really very unhappy about. So this week is the week before that, and I'll try very hard to stay in the moment and not project forward. Easier said than done.

I did buy some gorgeous ombre patterned taffeta over the weekend and moved my altar so that it's no longer under a shelf. It looks and feels so right now; the space is open and the energies can breathe and disperse. That's how it seems to me, anyway. I've also consulted a pagan prayer book and selected and modified a few general prayers to memorize as ways to center myself. I'm learning that it's really obvious when my behaviors are in accordance with dharma. It feels right and flows organically and there's usually a lot of emotions that manifest themselves and then they pass. This is a far, far cry from hiding out in the relative safety of my head, and drinking down the feelings I didn't know how to deal with. I'm incredibly grateful to be on this side of those incredibly challenging years. Finally knowing that anger has been the source of so much of my self-sabotage has been empowering in a way I've never experienced before. It also helps that I've had plenty of therapy in recent years, and I've done a LOT of self-analysis, so I was in a place to accept this knowledge without judgment.

Huh. This really was just going to be about how I'm not writing yet, and still really intend to, but instead you get rather a thinky post about my journey. :)
thrihyrne: (clock by licia)
My role at work is very stressful, and several of my colleagues and I have major morale demoralization and feel utterly trapped. We apply for other positions and are told, "You're too important to Resolutions." Ergo, it's becoming a dead end position. I had a whirlwind of interviews for a new position last week but in the end needed to gracefully withdraw as it was blatantly obvious that this position needed to be done from HQ. And, um, no- though I was asked multiple times, Evan and I are not and never will be relocating to San Francisco. But the past two months have had my share of making poor decisions, which has led to sick time at work, additional stress as I detox, and the pain of seeing Evan suffer. I tend not to remember much during those times, but he does. Still, these occurrences have been far less frequent than ever in the past seven years. The support Evan gives while always acknowledging that I'm an autonomous human being and free to make all of my own decisions— just also acknowledging that at some point if those decisions continue to wreak havoc, that there would be consequences as he has very healthy boundaries— is tremendous and has helped keep me from the worst of situations. But I've needed to make a new commitment to putting the decision to stay in my right mind and make wise decisions for months on end (with help, of course) as primary. I'll ruin the rest if I don't do that and get back to the even-keeled body chemistry I had going earlier this year.

In other more light-hearted news, well, I'm back on the right track. I've also been truly gifted by the universe via friends, several of whom have sent links to other job possibilities all in a cluster. I do have another interview for a different team tomorrow at my current employer (which I'm not naming because I know we have a social media team and I'd rather them not find my LJ), and I'll hope that I can move over to that group. I'll also try to post a little more often than twice a month. :P
thrihyrne: (thistle)
I'd hoped/planned to sleep in today, but I wasn't able to get back to sleep after Evan left at 6:50. I lay in bed, and was again plagued and somewhat assaulted by memories, and not glowing, cheery ones. The years of 2005-2012 were by far the most traumatic in my life. Conversely, they were also by far the most productive in terms of my writing output, averaging around 200K words a year of fanfiction until 2010. I think I was in a state of permanent escape for much of that time, adrift and untethered from much of my own daily reality, anchored instead by the stories and characters whose lives I could control much better. And I cared about them more than my own, which often seemed petty, futile, and distressing. So why am I having all of these flashbacks now, when my life is based far more firmly in reality, when I have a devoted, loving life partner who cherishes me? I think much of it may have to do with my work, which remains primarily a realm of frustration, despair, tedium and a pervasive feeling of having no control. Is there something in my psyche that misses the drama from before? Even the drama of the rush of writing prolifically, of getting positive feedback from readers and writers and thriving on the weave and weft of lives and characters whose stories begged me to write them?

I suspect I will always have the drive to be producing, whether writing or knitting or letters or being otherwise always engaged in something. And yet, I want to nurture a cultivation of desiring peace and balance and contentment. What I don't want is this unpleasant marching of images of decisions made and unpleasant experiences from those 7 years. Maybe some kind of ritual letting go is in order.

I'd been planning to start a four week trial at a place called Mod Physique today, but the deal I got for it lasts through March of 2014 and I realized yesterday that I wanted much less structure for today. So to temporarily banish some of the demons, I'm planning a trip to my favorite Goodwill with no time limit to browse. Then off to Fabric Depot to buy the lining fabric for my assymetric corrugated sweater and buttons for the cardigan I'm working on now, then a quick trip by my former housemates on 79th. This evening at 7 o'clock I have my MRI scheduled, so it will end up being a full day, but with plenty of time for me to do what I wish and have solo time- outside of the apartment. I'm really looking forward to it. It also really helps that it's autumn, and grey, and overcast and sweater weather. That buoys my spirits in and of itself.
thrihyrne: (K is for Kristi)
While it took until the next to last day at the beach as part of Evan's-family-vacation to realize that much of my continued feelings of awkward/trapped/frustration had to do with prior events not associated with this trip (but there were plenty of similar enough things that triggered the memories), much of the time there was pleasant enough. One key issue was that I'd built up the idea of a quiet, productive escape for months when there was no way that was ever going to happen with 4 households people including small children and a baby. I think I must have been willfully ignoring that aspect when getting it in my head that it would be a focused writing time.

So that's now going to be my focus for August. I'm sort of between knitting projects, and it will be a positive challenge for me to really set specific writing goals for myself for this month. Especially since I do have a story due to be posted at the end of it!

That's about all I have to report. My shoulder and hip still hurt like hell though I do my exercises and continue to do some of my short work-out DVDs at home; the 2 lateral positions I'd applied for at work, one I didn't get (but they let me know they hope to keep adding to their team and if so, for me please to apply again) and the other one is still hanging out there. I'll be fine no matter what; I'm comfortable for the most part in my Resolutions role, and as noted, these other two specializations are lateral positions, so I really have no idea if/when I'll get a raise. Which is a bummer, especially when I do keep appearing at the top of productivity and high satisfaction scores. I did talk with my team lead quite candidly about that prior to my PTO, but who knows.

August (my least favorite month here as it's usually relentlessly sunny, and that after a month of July being relentlessly sunny) is my time to cocoon, to write, to experiment with a more protein-rich diet, and that's probably enough. I'm likely to be whiny this month, but at least I'm self-aware enough of that. And given how rude people are in talking at full voice late at night and early in the morning, it's probably for the best that I'm not armed. Even with a super soaker. :P
thrihyrne: (clock by licia)
I flew on Alaskan Airways from Portland to Oakland, and they had free regional wine and beer. FREE. And by choice; not coercion or guilt or threats, I had Diet Coke instead. Which, after 18 months of drinking Diet Shasta, tasted funny. But still. I didn't feel I'd deprived myself, nor that it was an earth-shattering event. It was simply my choice. In fact, in two weeks I'll hit the 6 month mark of my one year liver cleanse, my decision to really give a year of living in my own skin 24/7 for 365 days an honest go. And I must say, thus far, I've only had a couple of really 'itchy/squirrely' moments. But it's all different now: a loving life partner, employment, a determination to be in myself and to normalize alcohol. Not to demonize or even fetishize it, but for it simply to be what it is: a potent beverage. The end.

And now, to enjoy this clear blue skyed morning in SF, and to read 'Aldarion and Erendis' before going off to HQ at 8:30.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] evannichols had an overarching Word for the Year last year which was 'celebrate.' He hasn't been doing that kind of representational statement for many years, but we were discussing it this morning, it being a new calendar year and all. He's focusing on finishing things, so I suggested 'closure.' And since, of course, I wanted to think about me equally, I thought about my own goals and what word would be my go-to for the year. It came pretty quickly: tenacity. I'm very, very skilled at starting over. But it's been since the first half-decade of the 00s since I've worked on my staying power. This is the year that I want to hold on to what I have: the integral presence of Evan in my life; engaging employment; staying in this residence for a year; and, most importantly, keeping thoughts of 'this is all too good to be true, the universe loves bleak irony and some horrible tragedy is right around the corner to show me how too good to be true this is' at bay, whatever that takes in as healthy an approach as I can muster.

So. TENACITY


Jury duty was nearly as uneventful yesterday as Monday, though at 3:15 or so I was finally called to go to a courtroom! We were interviewed for a while to decide which of us would be unbiased and the appropriate jurors for the case, which was going to go on for the next day, perhaps two. Now, if this had happened on Monday I would have been stoked, but Wednesday is my day off and if I had been selected, it would have meant (I think) that I'd just be in jury duty and not paid or if I was paid, that would all be fine and good, but that day off would not necessarily be rescheduled. To my immense relief I was not chosen, and was able to go and leave the courtroom. The judge thanked us and I spontaneously replied, "Thank you for inviting us to be a part of the process," which she really seemed to appreciate. Fun fact I learned from this process and the juror movie we watched yesterday morning: there are more women judges than men in the state of Oregon.

My left pinkie toe still hurts a lot. I've been icing and elevating it each day when I come home. I realize this may resemble a rib injury in that it just hurts for a long while as it heals. Ah, well. I did buy an exercise ball yesterday, something I'd been intending to do for months, so I can add in that element to my toning, but I think jogging again is still a little ways off. My sister sent me some birthday money so I can try out hot yoga, which I'm very excited about. :)

Today after doing laundry I'll head out to the jeweler who has resized my rings and pay for them and wear them, then go to visit [personal profile] sanguinity until lunchtime or so and then have quiet time at home. Yay!!

Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn't note the splendid evening we had with [livejournal.com profile] oh_that_jocelyn on Monday. There was yummy food and delightful conversation and gifts! I am grateful that Evan and his wife emerita are still close and that I, too, enjoy her company, very much. As Evan noted, she and I do have a lot in common: we both love cats, we love decorative stationery arts… ;)
thrihyrne: (asian text)
A quick note to anyone near me geographically: if you or anyone you know is in need of a very gently used full sized mattress (I got it new last February and have slept on [solo] about 3/4 of the time since) please email me. Otherwise I'll take it to Community Warehouse. It's just the mattress, no box springs.

I've noticed that it's pretty easy for me to be in a home and be able to explain why something *isn't* my style… but I have no idea what my personal style is. Or if I have one. I'm a bit giddy in realizing that I'll get to discover that as Evan and I merge what we have and then take the time to decorate and lightly furnish together.

I'll be boxing and bagging things up today once I'm not the only one awake. [personal profile] sanguinity is coming over around one o'clock to visit and go for a walk, which will be fun. That will mean a grand total of five people who have seen where I've lived these past 9 months. I suppose I could have taken photos. Ah well.

This morning I actually stood on my bed and opened the window to take a couple of pictures of the sky. The sky was a light robin's egg blue with dark grey clouds floating in front. Very northwest-looking to my eye. Being here in this part of the world is soul-soothing for me, truly.
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
I'm back at Airbnb effective immediately (though I don't have my laptop; I'll retrieve it tomorrow when I'm back at our Portland office) and very grateful. I have learned a tremendous amount about my own strength during this, as well as the amazing support and love that is granted so fully to me. Thank you all for your kind words during what was a pretty challenging several days!
thrihyrne: (asian text)
A major element of my life may be going pear-shaped, but it's not worth me obsessing about because there is nothing for me to do about it. I will keep everyone posted.

But while I'm enjoying some unexpected time to knit, I thought I'd update my prior knitting update post. I don't have pics of my WsIP, but the cardigan for me has one completed sleeve now and I've started on the second. After two unsuccessful attempts for my spiral blanket to lie flat, I consulted with my Textile Consultant™ (otherwise known as Evan in this case) and decided to disassemble it and find a different pattern. I quickly settled on something else knit from the center outward, with a picture of it below the cut )

I'm already so much happier with it!! Amazing how going with the flow makes things go smoothly. And while I'm being a bit obtuse about posting public details of what's happening, I will say that I have reached out and been buouyed and supported tremendously, not just by Evan (though he is definitely my anchor) and my inner circle of friends and some family, but also my new colleagues. They know who they are.

And now, back to the joyful indulgence of watching Project Runway and knitting away. :D
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
This has been a while coming, and I haven't really known how to post about it. I received a call from my mother this morning; my maternal grandmother, Mymable, died last night. She's been declining for a year now, and has been on hospice care for several months. Evan had kindly offered to drive us up there if I wanted to, but since she wasn't really recognizing people, I decided to keep my memories which were of seeing her a couple of years ago (she's been living in Bellevue, WA, outside of Seattle) at her 90th birthday party and during visits when I saw my aunt. Mymable was 92, and is quite likely why I became such an enthusiastic knitter. I have so many fond memories of visiting her and Grandaddy in Ruston, Louisiana- including the year we lived there in 1981-82. I'm not sad for her, but mostly for my own mother, who isn't doing very well health-wise herself, and neither is my stepdad. I feel a bit helpless in that I don't effectively how to be there for her. The rest of her siblings were in Bellevue with Mymable when she died, and mom was back in Virginia. Her choice, of course, but her own life is rather challenging. My own inability (or discomfort with) to reach out for help when I really need it, well, I do believe I came by that honestly from both sides of my family of origin. But it has made me very sad this morning that finally I'm in a solid place emotionally myself, with the very strong support of my own partner now, to reach out to her, and there were so many years when she and I didn't really relate as adult to adult.

All that said, I'm rather melancholy as I get ready to work remotely for the first time. I'm so grateful that I'll be swept into emails and in the comforting environment of Evan's living space, and that he's here and wants to comfort me as needed.

Eventually I'll get a hold of some pictures of me with Mymable and post them. I don't have any of my own photo albums right now, but I'll rectify that in the months to come, too.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
These posts probably wouldn't be so long if I posted a bit more often. Hmmmm.
To do and body issues )
self care! )

I'm feeling much better this morning than I did yesterday evening. My enthusiasm and joy and gratitude hasn't diminished or anything, but I was running myself ragged unnecessarily. Sleep is important. If I'm going to get up at 5:30 each morning, I really have to go to bed before 11:30. I was going through my affirmations when I feel sound asleep! I did have another really interesting and long dream this morning to do with a prior boyfriend and now long-time friend from college. My alma mater has been showing up a lot in my dream life. I wonder what it signifies! Maybe it's my subconscious being a bit miffed that I've opted not to go to my 20th reunion, especially now that I've found out it's a choir reunion as well. Not sure.

While I'm basking in all kinds of amazing positivity (which yes, has been a long time coming!!), there are a couple of friends on my flist going through very challenging times. You are held in light and in my thoughts.
thrihyrne: (Boromir life is good)
This entry may get a bit long, so feel free to pick and choose topics or just skim. But I wanted to post an update.
knitting stuff )

job stuff )

life and relationship stuff )

So, yay. It feels pretty amazing to be able to post something like this.
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
short summary of last week )

the talisman )

other stuff )

I'll leave this rambling post with a quote from a book I finished yesterday: "True nobility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be."
~Wayne Dyer
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Here be an update )

Oh, and in an unrelated element, I'd received an email from former roommate Julia's phone carrier as though I was going to pay it. I called customer service and was reassured that I'd not hear from them again. Well, I got another email from them referencing her phone account! I just deleted it. Not my problem and certainly not my phone. :P
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
Before I have a small rant about how part of my day was sucky yesterday (interviews in Tigard, as a preview), I must share an absolutely wonderful moment that happened this morning. Due primarily to yesterday's events, I had an unplanned sleepover with [livejournal.com profile] evannichols. As we pulled out of the driveway and started up the street, he held my hand, gave me a quick but searching look and asked, quite sincerely, "If you were a robot from the future sent back here to teach me to love again, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?"

I do believe that's the most romantic moment I've ever had.

If I am a robot from the future, I've been really well programmed, because I have no future memories. I'm sure there's a really cool word for that, but it escapes me right this minute. :)

an overview of yesterday )

Today's a new day. ♥
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
It's been right at two weeks since I had a real turnaround about myself, my situation, and steps I began taking to make positive, quantifiable changes. One of those is to exercise regularly, and this morning I upped my distance to over two miles, a decently-lengthed 35-40 minutes of cardio. This pleases me greatly. I'll never become a distance runner or anything like that; this is conditioning and trying to establish revived, healthy habits. I've also been measuring my portions so that I have a much better sense of how much I'm eating, and what. I do eat quite healthfully, but I was a bit stunned at just how much peanut butter I'd been ingesting with my granny smiths, and huge bowls of yogurt with cereal, almonds and craisins. The fact finding has been most illuminating. There's also two consecutive weeks of staying in my right mind (yay!) and job interviews. Very important. I had a screening call about a position at Reed College yesterday that not only was 15 minutes late, but the questions she asked me were so dry, impersonal, and standard banal. I was really surprised, and frankly caught off guard by it. It's rare that I don't establish a rapport with someone almost immediately, but my conversation yesterday was pretty awkward. They're at the very beginning of their search and won't put someone in place until mid-July, and frankly I'd be quite surprised if I make it into a second round.

As part of continuing on, however, I have an in-person interview for a part-time administrative/desk position at a NE community center and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also head to a place called Scrap that [personal profile] snottygrrl told me about, which conveniently is only about three blocks from my interview site. That said, I really shouldn't buy anything as I went CRAZY at my favorite Goodwill yesterday, coming out about $65 poorer, but rich in spring clothes (suitable for the weather and climate here) and shoes in the anticipation of being back in the workforce in the reasonably near future. I didn't bring a whole lot of spring/summer clothes when I initially packed to relocate and it will be a while before I head back to Virginia for a final extraction of all of my belongings.

[livejournal.com profile] evannichols will be picking me up today after his workday at BHFT and I'll be with him through Monday. Not only is that fabulous, but we'll be spending about a day and a half at the coast at a beach house with friends of his sister's as part of her belated birthday celebrations. This is the Pacific beach, ruggedly beautiful with frigid water, not the Atlantic or Gulf. It's my kind of place. :)

DMV Blues

Apr. 10th, 2012 09:05 am
thrihyrne: (clock by licia)
Some of you may remember this post about discovering that my OR driver's license was (according to that staff member) still intact and good through 2017. I lost my wallet back in January and have replaced everything except for my Social Security card and DL, because I don't have a car and I've been using my passport as ID. I'd made it a goal to go to the DMV this week and buck up for a replacement DL, so this morning I was at the office bright eyed at 8:05, armed to the teeth with ID and cash for the replacement. Well. Turns out that actually once I got a Virginia ID, my OR license did become null and void, and according to the state of Oregon (and Virginia, somehow) I have no state license or state ID whatsoever. D: So. I get to start over from scratch: $5 for the written test, then once I pass that, $9 to take the DRIVING TEST (which I haven't had to do since I first got my license in 1987), and cough up another $60 for the license itself. Perhaps it goes without saying that now this has become not a priority for this week. Damn. Frankly I'd rather spend the money getting my eyes checked and getting new lenses or whatever I need to do. One day, hopefully, I'll have health insurance again.

On the plus side, not only do I have an in-person interview this Thursday, I was also given a call about a job I'd applied to at Reed College and I have a 30 minute phone interview tomorrow at 3:30! So yay about all that. I'll continue to focus on the positives and take care of the driver's license stuff in good time.
thrihyrne: (knitting cable lover)
Which means that I'll be heading off with [livejournal.com profile] evannichols to spend the weekend with him. It's been a long week. I have made good progress on my knitted vest, though I had to back up a couple of rows last night as I'd gotten off with the cables. Now it's all good. This is my first experience in knitting something from the top down, but it seems to be going pretty well now that I've repeated the patterns a few times. I have to be very careful to keep up with what rows I'm on as the cables in front and back don't align. Maybe I'll see if I can borrow Evan's camera to take a picture of it and update my Ravelry page.

I was working on Evan's notebooks and kept hearing a cat meow. The cats here are pretty quiet, but it kept going on so I went out to the living room. I found myself saying out loud, "Oh. The TV is meowing." The TV is pretty much on all day until the house owners go to bed, and it was on Animal Planet— a story about kittens. For someone who hasn't owned a TV in years, and never enjoyed having it on in the background, this has taken me some getting used to.

I also discovered that I have not one but two cousins living in the Portland suburbs. I'd heard from the one cousin in early March but somehow had forgotten that his younger sister (with whom he's living) lives in the area. Matthew has had some similar issues to me, and some much more challenging, requiring hospitalization. It's cool that he reached out to me, and hopefully we'll meet up in the next couple of weeks.

Happy Friday!

May 2016

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