Thrihyrne

One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)

Having been let down by Comcast (no surprise there), evannichols' and my plans changed for how and where I was going to work for the next couple of days. Today I'll be back at the house on 79th, which actually is great. I moved all of my things yesterday except for desk/office chair/mattress (and some food), so I can work there today and do a thorough floor clean during my breaks! Yay. Tomorrow Evan takes off from BHFT to have movers come from 8-11 or so to move his belongings over. Which means that this evening I'll help in packing up anything I can that doesn't require inside knowledge, and help disassemble his tall cabinets/shelving units. I'll spend the morning in Milwaukie at a coffee shop and then the library for the 8-12 part of my work shift, then head up to my to-be home library for the afternoon. Hopefully by the end of the day tomorrow, all of Evan's things will be at our new apartment, and our internet will be working, and We Will Be Moved. ♥

I haven't done a reading for ages, but it called to me so I did one for myself this morning. My primary focus was, "Where am I now, within myself?" and also an overarching question about work, present and future.( the outcome )

After the Universe brought a maple iced doughnut into my world when I'd been thinking about them for weeks, yesterday the Universe deemed that I should become even more a Portlander by bringing several bright pink boxes of Voodoo Donuts into my world and the new Airbnb Portland offices yesterday. I admit that I'd stayed away from that particular Portland legend due to its notorious lines and that I'm not often all that into doughnuts. But yesterday I savored one that appeared to be a fairly conventional doughnut with vanilla icing and topped with a generous serving of Fruit Loops. When my trainer Rob came by, he looked at it and said, "That's quite a doughnut! It looks like a unicorn vomited on it."

Yes, I adore my trainers, the company, my new colleagues, and the folks from HQ from different areas who are all clamoring to be here with us. I really am besotted with my new job and thrilled to pieces.

The other totally not-healthy thing I've been meaning to post about is the utter joy of Tillamook Sticky Bun ice cream. For those outside of the northwest where Tillamook products are not sold: I am so sorry. Because the amazing goodness of cinnamon ice cream, streusel, sticky bun dough?? It almost defies written description. I'll settle for icecreamgasm.

Life is good. :D

And perhaps a wee bit of text. ;)
( it's been a really frakking fabulous few days )

So!! I am so very, very happy and feeling validated and cherished and thrilled about my present and where I'm headed. I am indeed a beloved child of the Universe. ♥

... well, here it doesn't pour all the time, but there's a good chance you're living in Portland. But I'm writing about the amazing and grateful fact that I have yet another interview for another 1/2 time position! It's for a development assistant position with a downtown church. I had a preliminary chat while walking to my bus yesterday morning, which made for a very non-conducive pre-interview conversational environment (but it was the only time we could talk) as the bus I catch is on a very loud and busy street at a loud and busy intersection. I'll meet with them on July 6th. I'd be thrilled to be able to have two half-time positions, if I could make it work. I don't honestly know how long I'll be on assignment out in Beaverton, though it sounded like at least a two-month gig. Guess I'll see over time. But, yay!

I'm still a bit weirded out about enjoying my early mornings so much. Some of it has to do with the fact that it's pretty much the only time the house here is quiet, but I also realize that I'm able to get a fair amount of things accomplished in the early hours. I've been sleeping quite soundly, and am definitely still in a very vivid dream cycle. Quality sleep goes a long way toward making my general anxiety levels much lower. Having a paycheck in any amount is also helping. ;) I also did some affirmations and visualizations while jogging yesterday. The author of the book I'm reading recommends that one be relaxed and restful while doing those, but I figure that the more often I do affirmations and consciously have positive thoughts about myself and my situation, the more I'll believe them. Which is a very good thing.

For another good reason— I have a two day temp position downtown! I've registered with several placement companies during both periods of time here in PDX but hadn't had any actual placements until now. Since I'm in the final phase of communication before hopeful employment with this other company, working for two days in what should be a low stress environment is great by me. So, yay!

I'm keeping this one close to my chest, but I wanted to share in a vague way. evannichols' sister and I chatted about various knitting things this past weekend after I tried the baby cardigan I'm knitting on her daughter— with the needle size I used, it actually fits a nearly-four-year-old. !lack of gauge fail. Anyway, a seed was planted about a pursuit in which I could engage and thanks to a visit to one of my favorite places yesterday (with Evan in tow, brave man that he is), I'm getting pretty excited about this particular endeavor. I won't be so coy as all that: it involves knitting and in all likelihood (certainly on the front end) for the infant to age 5 or 6 market. It will involve me designing for only about the second or third time in my 20 year knitting career, as well as reviving my dormant Etsy shop. But it could be really, really cool. With the particulars of this project and creative marketing that's already come to mind, inner SE Portland in specific could be just the place to start out as a potentially rewarding testing ground.

Heeeeeeee! :D May as well be pursuing something as a potential income, whether supplemental or primary, while sending out loads of applications, interviewing and waiting to get closure one way or another for non-self-employment.

So I moved up my flight and am now with my best bud in Eugene, spending a good 9 days or so before returning to Portland. I'll be living with my former roommate, Julia, and I really do think that will be a healthy environment. I've been reassured that there's more heat, and while she and I had a few awkward moments, we really do have a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship. I'll take a month or so to focus on getting reacclimated, getting internet set up again, and focusing on my mental and physical health. I'm enjoying Eugene as well, though I haven't seen too much of it. But even just standing in the yard of this gorgeous house where Jen is living in an adjoining cottage and looking out to see the mountains and fir trees is like being given pure oxygen. And Jen is an amazing cook, and uses all organic ingredients, so my body has never known it so good. She may even have convinced me to go caffeine free, which is no small thing given my predilection to drink copious amounts of Diet Coke.

It'll be around the 5th once I'm back at Julia's and if people want my address, just send me an email. All said, it is good to be back. I think that in order to move forward, I needed to get out on my own and use the resources that I have in Rose City/Stumptown. I won't have a car this time, so that will make things different, but they do have an amazing public transportation system.