thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
I'm very glad to have returned pretty much in the condition that I departed. This means that my flights were gratefully uneventful and my luggage made it with me and I'm back to my love and my home and my primarily quiet life. :)

As this is a public space I won't say too much about HQ except that having a huge open space may be a good way to promote creativity, but it's AWFUL for trying to do any kind of customer-facing work. It's loud and hard to concentrate and impossible to make outbound phone calls. It simply makes no sense for customer support and I'm very, very glad to be back in my home 'office.' On the other side, it was tremendous and heart-warming and illuminating and disarming to meet so many of my fellow remote employees in one place. I re-bonded with my roommate who I got to know during our pop-up office time last year, and spent a fair bit of time with a few select others. I will say that for someone like me, being fed breakfast, lunch and dinner at HQ for several days was really great. Nobody appears in my kitchen and cooks for me when I'm here during my shifts! ;)

Here's a link to a photo of me in proximity to the Golden Gate Bridge:

I'm hoping some other group shots and dinner photos will get handed around, but who knows. In having a much-needed 1:1 with my team lead in person, I found out that they actually need somebody to do something that greatly interests me, which is database management and being able to retrieve and make sense of data in a meaningful way for our team. My eyes and face must have lit up when we were discussing it, and now I'm going to be teaching myself SQL. [ profile] evannichols has said he'll give me an overview as well. :D

In very exciting news, I'm writing again! Not on the Aldarion Numenorean story, but on a HP Charlie-centric fic. [ profile] evannichols and I tried out setting aside an hour yesterday evening to work on our respective creative pursuits (non-knitting, in my case) and it was great. I'm really happy to be writing rather free-form with this story and seeing where it goes.

Did I mention how happy I am to be back home? In Portland? In bed, with Evan at my side? ♥
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
Having been let down by Comcast (no surprise there), [ profile] evannichols' and my plans changed for how and where I was going to work for the next couple of days. Today I'll be back at the house on 79th, which actually is great. I moved all of my things yesterday except for desk/office chair/mattress (and some food), so I can work there today and do a thorough floor clean during my breaks! Yay. Tomorrow Evan takes off from BHFT to have movers come from 8-11 or so to move his belongings over. Which means that this evening I'll help in packing up anything I can that doesn't require inside knowledge, and help disassemble his tall cabinets/shelving units. I'll spend the morning in Milwaukie at a coffee shop and then the library for the 8-12 part of my work shift, then head up to my to-be home library for the afternoon. Hopefully by the end of the day tomorrow, all of Evan's things will be at our new apartment, and our internet will be working, and We Will Be Moved. ♥
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Two new changes that will make a tremendous difference in my world:
❶ I bought an office chair! For $20! And it's purple! This is a tremendous step towards me having an ergonomically satisfactory working life. Evan brought it in when he dropped me off this morning and already I can tell how much happier I'm going to be.
❷ Evan and I are going to move in together. We have a place! Closer in in SE, very close to our original stomping grounds— for both of us, interestingly enough. It's a complex where he's lived before and really liked it, managed by the same people, and we can move in by December 1st. OMGYAY. Not only of being with my beloved every day, which is huge, but also that really for the first time in my adult life, I will be in a space that I co-create and in which I have my own space. Even when married my stepchildren had their own rooms, and I had nowhere to go to retreat if needed or desired. This is an incredible psychological moment for me. We are engaging in a very conscious choice to blend our lives and days in a thoughtful, respectful and joyous manner.

I could just about explode from the happy. :D :D :D :D
thrihyrne: (asian text)
I haven't done a reading for ages, but it called to me so I did one for myself this morning. My primary focus was, "Where am I now, within myself?" and also an overarching question about work, present and future.the outcome )
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
After the Universe brought a maple iced doughnut into my world when I'd been thinking about them for weeks, yesterday the Universe deemed that I should become even more a Portlander by bringing several bright pink boxes of Voodoo Donuts into my world and the new Airbnb Portland offices yesterday. I admit that I'd stayed away from that particular Portland legend due to its notorious lines and that I'm not often all that into doughnuts. But yesterday I savored one that appeared to be a fairly conventional doughnut with vanilla icing and topped with a generous serving of Fruit Loops. When my trainer Rob came by, he looked at it and said, "That's quite a doughnut! It looks like a unicorn vomited on it."

Yes, I adore my trainers, the company, my new colleagues, and the folks from HQ from different areas who are all clamoring to be here with us. I really am besotted with my new job and thrilled to pieces.

The other totally not-healthy thing I've been meaning to post about is the utter joy of Tillamook Sticky Bun ice cream. For those outside of the northwest where Tillamook products are not sold: I am so sorry. Because the amazing goodness of cinnamon ice cream, streusel, sticky bun dough?? It almost defies written description. I'll settle for icecreamgasm.

Life is good. :D
thrihyrne: (plaidtastic)
YAY!! Very exciting, and thankfully not yet nerve-wracking! I'll keep this short and sweet for now as I don't have much to go on yet, but I'm super chuffed to be starting my first day of training with Airbnb. I'm even happier that our training location(s) are very close to a Max line and not far across the river, so I'll have something much closer to an hour commute, rather than the two-hour one I had before. This pleases me greatly.

My 3-day weekend with [ profile] evannichols was sublime. I took him out to breakfast, we lounged around and watched all three episodes of Sherlock from season one, I recolored my hair, there were insightful and emotional conversations, more yummy food, Boggle, crosswords, and he even fit in Dude Golf yesterday morning. We don't know what my schedule will be after training, so these last few 'regular' weekends of having whole Saturdays and Sundays together are especially precious.

I'll post in the next day or so to report in on how everything's going.
thrihyrne: (Boromir life is good)
And perhaps a wee bit of text. ;)
it's been a really frakking fabulous few days )

So!! I am so very, very happy and feeling validated and cherished and thrilled about my present and where I'm headed. I am indeed a beloved child of the Universe. ♥
thrihyrne: (Boromir life is good)
This entry may get a bit long, so feel free to pick and choose topics or just skim. But I wanted to post an update.
knitting stuff )

job stuff )

life and relationship stuff )

So, yay. It feels pretty amazing to be able to post something like this.
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
... well, here it doesn't pour all the time, but there's a good chance you're living in Portland. But I'm writing about the amazing and grateful fact that I have yet another interview for another 1/2 time position! It's for a development assistant position with a downtown church. I had a preliminary chat while walking to my bus yesterday morning, which made for a very non-conducive pre-interview conversational environment (but it was the only time we could talk) as the bus I catch is on a very loud and busy street at a loud and busy intersection. I'll meet with them on July 6th. I'd be thrilled to be able to have two half-time positions, if I could make it work. I don't honestly know how long I'll be on assignment out in Beaverton, though it sounded like at least a two-month gig. Guess I'll see over time. But, yay!

I'm still a bit weirded out about enjoying my early mornings so much. Some of it has to do with the fact that it's pretty much the only time the house here is quiet, but I also realize that I'm able to get a fair amount of things accomplished in the early hours. I've been sleeping quite soundly, and am definitely still in a very vivid dream cycle. Quality sleep goes a long way toward making my general anxiety levels much lower. Having a paycheck in any amount is also helping. ;) I also did some affirmations and visualizations while jogging yesterday. The author of the book I'm reading recommends that one be relaxed and restful while doing those, but I figure that the more often I do affirmations and consciously have positive thoughts about myself and my situation, the more I'll believe them. Which is a very good thing.
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
For another good reason— I have a two day temp position downtown! I've registered with several placement companies during both periods of time here in PDX but hadn't had any actual placements until now. Since I'm in the final phase of communication before hopeful employment with this other company, working for two days in what should be a low stress environment is great by me. So, yay!
thrihyrne: (knitting cable lover)
I woke up at 3:52 a.m. and at 4:20 gave up and got out of bed. I'd found myself thinking about my potential self-employment project and became newly excited/inspired/motivated and so I got out of bed to do some sketches and other things. Being awake and all, I figured I'd post about my thoughts on it. I had a radical one, which was rather than spending a lot of time job hunting for something 'conventional,' I could continue on that conventional path for the remainder of this month and then give myself two or three months to focus on this enterprise. If I could support myself working from home with this, it would be money well invested. Aside from rent, I don't have many expenses any more: rent, of course (though quite reasonable and includes utilities and internet), a monthly phone bill, hair color every 5 weeks or so, and purchases toward this project. Well, and some clothes from Goodwill. But I'm on food stamps so food is taken care of; I don't have a car (though I do have transportation costs); and I get my books and movies from the library. I'm frugal by nature, which helps, and neither [ profile] evannichols nor I are innately inclined to go out a lot. So while cashing out my last and largest (still not that much) retirement fund isn't great, it could grant me over a year's time to focus on this, should I wish to. And I suppose if it all failed after four or five months, or I could establish it was never going to be enough to support us both (as I want to give [ profile] evannichols the ability to spend time at home writing rather than doing what he does now; perhaps a pipe dream, but it's my goal), I could go back to job hunting and something would eventually come along.

It's all pretty exciting, though I would rather have had more than five hours' sleep. :P
thrihyrne: (knitting cable lover)
I'm keeping this one close to my chest, but I wanted to share in a vague way. [ profile] evannichols' sister and I chatted about various knitting things this past weekend after I tried the baby cardigan I'm knitting on her daughter— with the needle size I used, it actually fits a nearly-four-year-old. !lack of gauge fail. Anyway, a seed was planted about a pursuit in which I could engage and thanks to a visit to one of my favorite places yesterday (with Evan in tow, brave man that he is), I'm getting pretty excited about this particular endeavor. I won't be so coy as all that: it involves knitting and in all likelihood (certainly on the front end) for the infant to age 5 or 6 market. It will involve me designing for only about the second or third time in my 20 year knitting career, as well as reviving my dormant Etsy shop. But it could be really, really cool. With the particulars of this project and creative marketing that's already come to mind, inner SE Portland in specific could be just the place to start out as a potentially rewarding testing ground.

Heeeeeeee! :D May as well be pursuing something as a potential income, whether supplemental or primary, while sending out loads of applications, interviewing and waiting to get closure one way or another for non-self-employment.
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
It's been right at two weeks since I had a real turnaround about myself, my situation, and steps I began taking to make positive, quantifiable changes. One of those is to exercise regularly, and this morning I upped my distance to over two miles, a decently-lengthed 35-40 minutes of cardio. This pleases me greatly. I'll never become a distance runner or anything like that; this is conditioning and trying to establish revived, healthy habits. I've also been measuring my portions so that I have a much better sense of how much I'm eating, and what. I do eat quite healthfully, but I was a bit stunned at just how much peanut butter I'd been ingesting with my granny smiths, and huge bowls of yogurt with cereal, almonds and craisins. The fact finding has been most illuminating. There's also two consecutive weeks of staying in my right mind (yay!) and job interviews. Very important. I had a screening call about a position at Reed College yesterday that not only was 15 minutes late, but the questions she asked me were so dry, impersonal, and standard banal. I was really surprised, and frankly caught off guard by it. It's rare that I don't establish a rapport with someone almost immediately, but my conversation yesterday was pretty awkward. They're at the very beginning of their search and won't put someone in place until mid-July, and frankly I'd be quite surprised if I make it into a second round.

As part of continuing on, however, I have an in-person interview for a part-time administrative/desk position at a NE community center and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also head to a place called Scrap that [personal profile] snottygrrl told me about, which conveniently is only about three blocks from my interview site. That said, I really shouldn't buy anything as I went CRAZY at my favorite Goodwill yesterday, coming out about $65 poorer, but rich in spring clothes (suitable for the weather and climate here) and shoes in the anticipation of being back in the workforce in the reasonably near future. I didn't bring a whole lot of spring/summer clothes when I initially packed to relocate and it will be a while before I head back to Virginia for a final extraction of all of my belongings.

[ profile] evannichols will be picking me up today after his workday at BHFT and I'll be with him through Monday. Not only is that fabulous, but we'll be spending about a day and a half at the coast at a beach house with friends of his sister's as part of her belated birthday celebrations. This is the Pacific beach, ruggedly beautiful with frigid water, not the Atlantic or Gulf. It's my kind of place. :)
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum)
So I moved up my flight and am now with my best bud in Eugene, spending a good 9 days or so before returning to Portland. I'll be living with my former roommate, Julia, and I really do think that will be a healthy environment. I've been reassured that there's more heat, and while she and I had a few awkward moments, we really do have a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship. I'll take a month or so to focus on getting reacclimated, getting internet set up again, and focusing on my mental and physical health. I'm enjoying Eugene as well, though I haven't seen too much of it. But even just standing in the yard of this gorgeous house where Jen is living in an adjoining cottage and looking out to see the mountains and fir trees is like being given pure oxygen. And Jen is an amazing cook, and uses all organic ingredients, so my body has never known it so good. She may even have convinced me to go caffeine free, which is no small thing given my predilection to drink copious amounts of Diet Coke.

It'll be around the 5th once I'm back at Julia's and if people want my address, just send me an email. All said, it is good to be back. I think that in order to move forward, I needed to get out on my own and use the resources that I have in Rose City/Stumptown. I won't have a car this time, so that will make things different, but they do have an amazing public transportation system.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Diva completed jigsaw puzzle)
Firstly, 2-day-belated natal day wishes to [ profile] evannichols! I hope that you had a splendid day and that you thoroughly enjoy the holiday weekend.

To my kindred spirit and dear friend [ profile] persephone100, I know you're not on LJ much at all these days, and I'll sing happy birthday to you on the phone tomorrow. I definitely plan on visiting you in person again this summer!!

so, about that super complicated and gorgeous cardigan )

the other stuff )

Oh, and Pema Chödrön's works continue to rock my world. I checked out When Things Fall Apart from the library and will be participating in a chapter discussion over at the WFS forum. Today I had this phrase come to me, after some soul-searching: The time to live fearlessly is NOW. I'm going to try and really take that to heart and nurture the fabulousness I do have that I've been covering up for some time.

… and I may just put out a request for writing prompts. It's been far, far too long.

May 2016



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