Thrihyrne

I'd hoped/planned to sleep in today, but I wasn't able to get back to sleep after Evan left at 6:50. I lay in bed, and was again plagued and somewhat assaulted by memories, and not glowing, cheery ones. The years of 2005-2012 were by far the most traumatic in my life. Conversely, they were also by far the most productive in terms of my writing output, averaging around 200K words a year of fanfiction until 2010. I think I was in a state of permanent escape for much of that time, adrift and untethered from much of my own daily reality, anchored instead by the stories and characters whose lives I could control much better. And I cared about them more than my own, which often seemed petty, futile, and distressing. So why am I having all of these flashbacks now, when my life is based far more firmly in reality, when I have a devoted, loving life partner who cherishes me? I think much of it may have to do with my work, which remains primarily a realm of frustration, despair, tedium and a pervasive feeling of having no control. Is there something in my psyche that misses the drama from before? Even the drama of the rush of writing prolifically, of getting positive feedback from readers and writers and thriving on the weave and weft of lives and characters whose stories begged me to write them?

I suspect I will always have the drive to be producing, whether writing or knitting or letters or being otherwise always engaged in something. And yet, I want to nurture a cultivation of desiring peace and balance and contentment. What I don't want is this unpleasant marching of images of decisions made and unpleasant experiences from those 7 years. Maybe some kind of ritual letting go is in order.

I'd been planning to start a four week trial at a place called Mod Physique today, but the deal I got for it lasts through March of 2014 and I realized yesterday that I wanted much less structure for today. So to temporarily banish some of the demons, I'm planning a trip to my favorite Goodwill with no time limit to browse. Then off to Fabric Depot to buy the lining fabric for my assymetric corrugated sweater and buttons for the cardigan I'm working on now, then a quick trip by my former housemates on 79th. This evening at 7 o'clock I have my MRI scheduled, so it will end up being a full day, but with plenty of time for me to do what I wish and have solo time- outside of the apartment. I'm really looking forward to it. It also really helps that it's autumn, and grey, and overcast and sweater weather. That buoys my spirits in and of itself.

Pickle bandages. Yesterday morning I opened up the left side of the bathroom cabinet to get something and saw them. I burst out laughing, and kept laughing and telling Evan how much I loved them. He was so happy with my reaction: he knew of my fondness for fun and bright bandaids, and also a love of pickles, and so he'd found those and surprised me with them.

Something else along the retail therapy line: a memory foam bath mat runner from Eagle Bargain Outlet. Our hosts at the Airbnb listing where we stayed last weekend (with the gorgeous view and hot tub!) told us about it, mostly for Evan to find an induction heat plate. And he did! Evan is thrilled. And I'm so happy about my super-soft runner which is actually for my room as I anticipate trying to make my space as ergonomic as possible for working at home, which blissfully starts in less than two weeks.

Today's my day off- of all days, two of the higher ups will be at our Portland office today, but 1) it's my day off, and 2) I have appointments and a lunch date. And a massage at 9 o'clock, so I'll sign off here. :)

It's been right at two weeks since I had a real turnaround about myself, my situation, and steps I began taking to make positive, quantifiable changes. One of those is to exercise regularly, and this morning I upped my distance to over two miles, a decently-lengthed 35-40 minutes of cardio. This pleases me greatly. I'll never become a distance runner or anything like that; this is conditioning and trying to establish revived, healthy habits. I've also been measuring my portions so that I have a much better sense of how much I'm eating, and what. I do eat quite healthfully, but I was a bit stunned at just how much peanut butter I'd been ingesting with my granny smiths, and huge bowls of yogurt with cereal, almonds and craisins. The fact finding has been most illuminating. There's also two consecutive weeks of staying in my right mind (yay!) and job interviews. Very important. I had a screening call about a position at Reed College yesterday that not only was 15 minutes late, but the questions she asked me were so dry, impersonal, and standard banal. I was really surprised, and frankly caught off guard by it. It's rare that I don't establish a rapport with someone almost immediately, but my conversation yesterday was pretty awkward. They're at the very beginning of their search and won't put someone in place until mid-July, and frankly I'd be quite surprised if I make it into a second round.

As part of continuing on, however, I have an in-person interview for a part-time administrative/desk position at a NE community center and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also head to a place called Scrap that snottygrrl told me about, which conveniently is only about three blocks from my interview site. That said, I really shouldn't buy anything as I went CRAZY at my favorite Goodwill yesterday, coming out about $65 poorer, but rich in spring clothes (suitable for the weather and climate here) and shoes in the anticipation of being back in the workforce in the reasonably near future. I didn't bring a whole lot of spring/summer clothes when I initially packed to relocate and it will be a while before I head back to Virginia for a final extraction of all of my belongings.

evannichols will be picking me up today after his workday at BHFT and I'll be with him through Monday. Not only is that fabulous, but we'll be spending about a day and a half at the coast at a beach house with friends of his sister's as part of her belated birthday celebrations. This is the Pacific beach, ruggedly beautiful with frigid water, not the Atlantic or Gulf. It's my kind of place. :)

A few things, not to do with Philip Glass. One, on the mundane but practical side, today is sunny and breezy, so I'm doing a bunch of hand-washing that can then dry outside. Two: yesterday I spent a few fun hours with snottygrrl that was primarily to do with her new chairs, but ended up being a fabulous shopping spree at the most incredible thrift store I've yet gone to in Portland, Better Bargains Thrift Store. Now I need more clothes like a hole in my head, but I did cull a lot before moving cross-country and there were just great finds! Including random pieces of artwork/handcrafts and me buying a lot of green clothes. snottygrrl said that green represents the heart chakra, so I'm intrigued by what that means at this point in my life. Three, I found out that my other stepsister, the older one (but still younger than I am by four years) is three months pregnant. I'll phone her soon.

Last, but definitely not least: I went by the store on my way home because one of the Opera former young artists (who sat behind me at the Glass event last night) mentioned nachos, and I decided I really wanted to make some. Oh, and have I mentioned that my housemate is gone for two and a half days??!! :D :D :D It's just me and the cats!!! So I bought an avocado and was going along the aisles when I saw… Tim Tams. I couldn't believe it. Apparently they've decided to try them on a U.S. market or something. You'd better believe I bought them and will have them with my lunch, whatever that ends up being.