Thrihyrne

So you remember that post about me being worried about having to dumb myself down and wondering how long it would be before I was able to place myself into a job/career that would be challenging and exciting and I could stay with for years? Well, less than a week since I replied to someone on Indeed (she'd reached out to me back in November but I didn't see it. When I discovered it last Sunday during a casual job title search I assumed they'd hired for the role and just asked her to hold onto my resume and information should a similar role open up again), I accepted a role that ticks every box as a job I will be able to make mine in a way I haven't since working at Nashville Opera.

Thursday morning I felt compelled to check my spam folder and discovered a bit to my horror that the woman on Indeed had replied that day (Sunday) and forwarded on my information to her successor (she's retiring this month). I'd also heard from Donna (the successor), that day (Sunday). So I apologized profusely for being late in replying but said yes, I was interested, and sent resume and cover letter. Within an hour or so Donna wrote and asked if I could interview that afternoon. I said I needed to give a bit of notice, so I took a 7 a.m. interview slot yesterday morning. I sent her my references after the interview (which went very, very well, though I love interviewing and know that I tend to interview well no matter what, but I was particularly excited about the role and situation itself), and then got a call around 4:45 from a number I didn't recognize, so I didn't answer it. Due to celebrating a Friday and just not checking my phone again, I didn't check my voicemail until 10 o'clock. It had been Donna, really wanting to talk with me about the job.

As of around 10:00 last night, I enthusiastically accepted the role of Medical Billing Specialist at Columbia Pain and Spine Institute where I will be part of a small team of 3 specialists and one supervisor (Donna), building an in-house billing and support team from the ground up. Donna is hand-selecting her team (she just started in this role with the purpose of building the team) and I clicked with her immediately during our chat. We seem to be very much on the same page in terms of professionalism, having an agile mind and wanting to create a team within this clinic that, within a few years' time, is seen as a model for other clinics who choose to do/bring their billing in-house and on site. So not only will this role be a Kristi-shaped one, as when I was the one person ticketing department for Nashville Opera, a role that hadn't existed until I was in it, but the entire team will all be coming together at the same time. It's not an exaggeration that I feel like I've just joined an elite force and I will truly come into my own in regards to my profession and being able to really bring all of my skill set to the table. In no way did Donna ask this, but I would enthusiastically sign a 2-year minimum contract to be a part of this new team. I have the instinctive and intuitive sense that this will be the place and environment that is ever-challenging (without it being like Airbnb hypergrowth challenging of nothing EVER staying the same in a frenetic nightmare, but professionally challenging in terms of me able always to learn more, draw on current and future resources and professional groups, and actually challenge *myself* to throw myself into a job I actually believe in and where I will get to learn SO MUCH) where I will want to stay for a very long time. Perhaps until I retire!

So... I've had a lot of busy brain as this all came to pass so quickly, but I'm trying to slow today down back to regular time and remind myself that I've worked to get to this place. I tend to want to see a lot of serendipity and Universe gifts and this certainly falls into that category, but the other very real part is that I've done the work to get here. Despite throwing so much of 2017 into the toilet with my then-unrecognized pattern of creating chaos to start over, I did complete my Medical Coding and Billing certificate online course, I did pass both the CCA and CPC-A national certification exams last March, I did thorough and consistent job hunting to secure a Medical Billing Associate role at ZoomCare and was there nearly 4 months, and continued searching to get placed in the Patient Associate role at CenterLink. I'm the one who decided to write to you, my friends and supporters, when I was despairing about having to dumb down to be safe, ie: living in a post-alcohol environment for myself, and took your belief in me that what I was doing as temporary to heart. I've done what it takes to ensure that I have my disulfiram prescription and Evan and I are in a partnership about me taking it every other day. I'm on buspirone, and also have the Wyld gummies which are subtle yet have been a positive contributing factor to my feeling at 0 on a scale of 1-10 in regards to stress. My brain is healing, I'm living authentically, I feel my core values are far less misty and becoming ever clearer to me, and none of this is a struggle. For that reason alone I know that all of these decisions and this extended period of transition is, without a single doubt, what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life. I believe that the ultimate gift of 2019 will be my year without fear.

Right here, right now, I no longer fear myself.

Oh, and I've been in my post-alcohol phase since 1st December, so today marks 6 consecutive weeks of making that choice. This is nearly always when I get really squirrely, but with all of the other tools I'm actively using at this time, plus the mega excitement of this new role, means that I can safely celebrate (if I feel the need to put that label on it) with the gummies and not immediately put all of these extraordinary opportunities at high risk. What an incredible gift all of this is. I'm awash in gratitude.

Thanks to those who read and/or commented on my recent post. I'm in a much better place emotionally and physically, focusing rather than on going somewhere else, to much more effectively and aggressively use the local resources I have. This includes finding a private practice psychiatrist whom I don't have to wait 8 weeks to see and doesn't have a limit of number of visits per year, and moving all medication management in that direction. I'm now much more willing to try some mood stabilizers outside of the SSRI spectrum that I don't feel have worked much or at all, and to find someone willing to work with me in terms of the Sinclair method. Support me in it, not just tolerate it or look down on it. Taking action steps like that feel incredibly empowering. And if there are other mood and hormonal issues due to my age, I'll just find out what I can and assume that it's a factor as well in all of this. I know my patterns very well, and while I can't remove all of the stressors and expected emotional ups and downs that come with being my age (and my parents being their ages), I can use all of the resources I have and commit to finding a way not to let the emotional and psychological fluctuations become so polarized and, at times, dangerous.

Adulting is certainly hard sometimes, but I'm incredibly fortunate in having such a tremendously supportive and understanding life partner, friends, family and even colleagues.

One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)

Or: why I don't post much anymore.

My life is superb. The only drama I have (though at times it can be mighty and crosses over into my non-work life, of which I don't approve) is work-related. I have renewed and newly-meaningful relationships with some key people, including my sister, mother, and Eugene-friend-Jen. I still write letters and have phone calls maintaining other long-time friendships. I even see some people locally who are also friends— and colleagues! I'm financially in a far better place than I've been since 2005. I'm comfortable in my own skin, with a distinct lack of chemicals. My deep-seated anxieties about the irony of the universe lashing out at me personally in unique and traumatizing ways is near-banished. I'm exercising and even going to ballet once a week. Creatively, I knit more than anything else, but I've also revived work on my Wraeththu novel book contract and will be having a First Pass Major Re-Read/Edit with my editor at the end of July. I'm living and sharing every day with the life partner I didn't dare to dream actually existed. I'm 130 days into giving a full years' experiment of seeing what it's like to choose not to drink.

So I think I get a bit wary of sounding like I'm vomiting rainbows. Of course there's some shitty stuff. I've had several bouts of sinus/throat issues, which haven't been fun. While I thoroughly enjoy my particular role at work, I'm ambivalent about the ever-changing landscape outside of that realm. I'll need to do a major exorcism of preconceptions about headquarters in general before going there in June, though perhaps the very act of going will provide some clarity I haven't had before. My left pinky toe is apparently going to hurt for the rest of my life, and I've screwed up my right shoulder somehow, as well as done something to my upper left hip flexor… all of which makes the ballet more painful than necessary. I need to keep constant vigilance not to succumb to hedonic adaptation, and to be very, very aware of any inklings of creating drama simply because my life is so stable.

But in general, I'm fully engaged in my life and content in ways I've not been for a very long time. So that's why I don't post all that often. Still, here's an update! ♥

I returned last night from a 5-day (including basically 2 days of travel) whirlwind trip with evannichols to Harrisonburg, Virginia. This was a 'business' trip, to go through a large closet of my belongings that have been there since 2005 when I was filing for divorce from my to-be-wasband and my stepdad came to Nashville and we got a small U-Haul trailer and moved all of my belongings from Nashville to Harrisonburg. Since then, I've moved to Verona, VA, to 2 other locations in Harrisonburg, and various places in Portland. Now, at last, I'm stable in a wide variety of ways, including my residence. So it was time.

This was also the first time I'd seen my mother and stepfather since my acrimonious departure in fall of 2011. Since then, I've had a 180° turnaround in relations with my mother (I've never had long-term issues with my stepdad) and we've been communicating much more regularly. Still, I was a bit unsure about whether or not there might be awkward questions, or awkward expectations, and to my relief, there simply wasn't any. It was a very busy and purposeful three days, but there was also a fabulous reunion element to do with the choir I'd sung with in Staunton. We had lunch with a couple of my dear friends, there was a massive hug-fest and introductions of Evan to, well, everyone. Not only that, but my dear friend persephone100 came down to stay for a day and visit and assist. She also got to go 'shopping' for free through my stuff! So many items went to a happy new home. :) Heaps of things will go to a new home eventually, as the Harrisonburg Goodwill got another motherlode of my stuff that I simply wasn't emotionally tied to.

So now we're back, having checked 3 bags on the return flight, and shipping one rug and one plastic bin via UPS. That's it. All the rest was recycled/trashed/given away/scanned. What a relief, and a harbinger of this amazing life I lead now and plan to have for years. Now Evan knows I have a past! He had a super-saturated experience of people and places and proof that I really have received a tremendous amount of written correspondence since 1986. It's good to be home, and to return to my current life, which is a gift unto itself.

First, here I am in my new happy place:



Writing! In my composition notebook! With coffee! And great lighting! In a comfy chair! In my room! :D :D :D

Evan and I accomplished a lot this weekend. Bit shocking, perhaps.
~ Went to IKEA, bought and assembled this chair and footrest, obtained other household items thanks to my bonus and giftcard
~ Went to Sally Beauty to get hair color to remedy the recent dye attempts
~ Went to Yarn Garden to buy yarn to make Evan a pair of socks, and get buttons for my recently-completed cardigan
~ Took a nap
~ Re-assembled his 2 large wardrobes and moved a dozen large bins from his room to the living room in order to do so
~ Watched Cold Fever, a favorite film of mine available only on VHS which we rented from Movie Madness, conveniently a not-quite-two-block walk down the street
~ I got a haircut at Bishops yesterday morning, then went grocery shopping, then went by the library
~ Re-colored Evan's hair
~ My usual 1-10 p.m. work shift yesterday

I was rather confuzzled by my very detailed dreams through the night having to do with Evan and llembas and a job and poetry and libraries. "Happy Friday!" I exclaimed, sleepily, and there was a pause.

"It's Monday."

"Oh. Right. I have no idea why I thought it was Friday."

So… happy Monday, all.

… and it's not even 2 o'clock yet!

~ being emotionally vulnerable and honest and completely at peace around evannichols
~ phone call connections with family and friends
~ Portland in autumn. Gorgeous!!
~ a lunchtime walk turning into a spontaneous jog

✌ 'breaking curfew' nail polish. Thank you so much for sharing that with me, Beren!!
✌ A true Friday for me after what was a very challenging workweek.
✌ OMGLASTCOMMUTEDOWNTOWN. Hopefully ever.
✌ Following on that, that means that I begin working remotely on Sunday! I will be mobile! Watch me and my MacbookAir go! Well, and also making sure that my home workspace(s) are as ergonomic as possible. In all likelihood I'm going to get a large monitor to plug the laptop into. It will be a learning process and evolve over time, to be sure.
✌ Talking with Evan about making a home together. The joy that comes with the thought of sharing a bower with him and working from home is just about enough to make me melt with happiness.
✌ Grey skies again this morning! It will clear off later, but for now, this is my most groovalicious Portland weather.
✌ You all, my friends with me on this journey. Thank you. ♥

I haven't done a reading for ages, but it called to me so I did one for myself this morning. My primary focus was, "Where am I now, within myself?" and also an overarching question about work, present and future.( the outcome )

YAY!! Very exciting, and thankfully not yet nerve-wracking! I'll keep this short and sweet for now as I don't have much to go on yet, but I'm super chuffed to be starting my first day of training with Airbnb. I'm even happier that our training location(s) are very close to a Max line and not far across the river, so I'll have something much closer to an hour commute, rather than the two-hour one I had before. This pleases me greatly.

My 3-day weekend with evannichols was sublime. I took him out to breakfast, we lounged around and watched all three episodes of Sherlock from season one, I recolored my hair, there were insightful and emotional conversations, more yummy food, Boggle, crosswords, and he even fit in Dude Golf yesterday morning. We don't know what my schedule will be after training, so these last few 'regular' weekends of having whole Saturdays and Sundays together are especially precious.

I'll post in the next day or so to report in on how everything's going.