Thrihyrne

While at sauna this morning, breathing in the restorative steam solo in the steam room, I was thinking about my next mind movie, which is essentially a video vision board. I've known this was going to be an extended period of transition even before this major change due to my new job and new responsibilities. But I realized just how much I'll be learning this year in my work environment: I'll be coding for office visits and procedures. I'll be billing for facilities and professional fees. I'll be learning Centricity, an older but known software in the field. I'll be seeing what it takes to start up a successful (and hopefully aspirational!) billing department within a clinic from the ground up. I'll also be up close and personal seeing what it's like for one business manager to hand over the reins and see how the clinic can increase efficiency and evolve during such a major changing of the guard **while** establishing a brand new in-house billing and coding team.

You know what all of that is? It's incredibly useful, experiential time and knowledge to add to an already rich work life. I believe I'm going to be a sponge this year, absorbing everything I can so that I can take on a leadership role of some kind within my professional community. I've been in the workforce a long time, and have a lot of perspective and knowledge to share. Most of my work roles have been on teams of one, or entry level, with no real opportunity to be on a leadership track. But what I'm going to be a part of from it's near-genesis is an opportunity of a lifetime, really-- and the experience will be applicable in so many environments. I am very excited about the upcoming challenges and growth I can tell are headed my way.

Who am I now? Burgeoning Indomitable Leader.

Next year? I suppose I'll be gifted with that inspiration for manifestation when the time is right. :)

So you remember that post about me being worried about having to dumb myself down and wondering how long it would be before I was able to place myself into a job/career that would be challenging and exciting and I could stay with for years? Well, less than a week since I replied to someone on Indeed (she'd reached out to me back in November but I didn't see it. When I discovered it last Sunday during a casual job title search I assumed they'd hired for the role and just asked her to hold onto my resume and information should a similar role open up again), I accepted a role that ticks every box as a job I will be able to make mine in a way I haven't since working at Nashville Opera.

Thursday morning I felt compelled to check my spam folder and discovered a bit to my horror that the woman on Indeed had replied that day (Sunday) and forwarded on my information to her successor (she's retiring this month). I'd also heard from Donna (the successor), that day (Sunday). So I apologized profusely for being late in replying but said yes, I was interested, and sent resume and cover letter. Within an hour or so Donna wrote and asked if I could interview that afternoon. I said I needed to give a bit of notice, so I took a 7 a.m. interview slot yesterday morning. I sent her my references after the interview (which went very, very well, though I love interviewing and know that I tend to interview well no matter what, but I was particularly excited about the role and situation itself), and then got a call around 4:45 from a number I didn't recognize, so I didn't answer it. Due to celebrating a Friday and just not checking my phone again, I didn't check my voicemail until 10 o'clock. It had been Donna, really wanting to talk with me about the job.

As of around 10:00 last night, I enthusiastically accepted the role of Medical Billing Specialist at Columbia Pain and Spine Institute where I will be part of a small team of 3 specialists and one supervisor (Donna), building an in-house billing and support team from the ground up. Donna is hand-selecting her team (she just started in this role with the purpose of building the team) and I clicked with her immediately during our chat. We seem to be very much on the same page in terms of professionalism, having an agile mind and wanting to create a team within this clinic that, within a few years' time, is seen as a model for other clinics who choose to do/bring their billing in-house and on site. So not only will this role be a Kristi-shaped one, as when I was the one person ticketing department for Nashville Opera, a role that hadn't existed until I was in it, but the entire team will all be coming together at the same time. It's not an exaggeration that I feel like I've just joined an elite force and I will truly come into my own in regards to my profession and being able to really bring all of my skill set to the table. In no way did Donna ask this, but I would enthusiastically sign a 2-year minimum contract to be a part of this new team. I have the instinctive and intuitive sense that this will be the place and environment that is ever-challenging (without it being like Airbnb hypergrowth challenging of nothing EVER staying the same in a frenetic nightmare, but professionally challenging in terms of me able always to learn more, draw on current and future resources and professional groups, and actually challenge *myself* to throw myself into a job I actually believe in and where I will get to learn SO MUCH) where I will want to stay for a very long time. Perhaps until I retire!

So... I've had a lot of busy brain as this all came to pass so quickly, but I'm trying to slow today down back to regular time and remind myself that I've worked to get to this place. I tend to want to see a lot of serendipity and Universe gifts and this certainly falls into that category, but the other very real part is that I've done the work to get here. Despite throwing so much of 2017 into the toilet with my then-unrecognized pattern of creating chaos to start over, I did complete my Medical Coding and Billing certificate online course, I did pass both the CCA and CPC-A national certification exams last March, I did thorough and consistent job hunting to secure a Medical Billing Associate role at ZoomCare and was there nearly 4 months, and continued searching to get placed in the Patient Associate role at CenterLink. I'm the one who decided to write to you, my friends and supporters, when I was despairing about having to dumb down to be safe, ie: living in a post-alcohol environment for myself, and took your belief in me that what I was doing as temporary to heart. I've done what it takes to ensure that I have my disulfiram prescription and Evan and I are in a partnership about me taking it every other day. I'm on buspirone, and also have the Wyld gummies which are subtle yet have been a positive contributing factor to my feeling at 0 on a scale of 1-10 in regards to stress. My brain is healing, I'm living authentically, I feel my core values are far less misty and becoming ever clearer to me, and none of this is a struggle. For that reason alone I know that all of these decisions and this extended period of transition is, without a single doubt, what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life. I believe that the ultimate gift of 2019 will be my year without fear.

Right here, right now, I no longer fear myself.

Oh, and I've been in my post-alcohol phase since 1st December, so today marks 6 consecutive weeks of making that choice. This is nearly always when I get really squirrely, but with all of the other tools I'm actively using at this time, plus the mega excitement of this new role, means that I can safely celebrate (if I feel the need to put that label on it) with the gummies and not immediately put all of these extraordinary opportunities at high risk. What an incredible gift all of this is. I'm awash in gratitude.

I was musing on a few things yesterday evening, about settling for a very unchallenging job, advanced worry/awareness of getting bored with my life (always a trigger for my 'liquid tolerance' desires coming to the fore), and feeling generally neutral and/or blah. Or that I'm being safe, but being safe doesn't feel like I'm doing anything remotely extraordinary. I'm just treading water, and yet still looking for people/the Universe to be showering me with greatness just for making good decisions. I guess I've just been getting down on myself over these feelings, with an ever-louder voice saying, "You're wearing your Big Girl panties. What? You want a cookie for that? Get over yourself. It's called adulting." But that voice is very negative.

This morning I had a revelation, however. It's really okay for me to be in a place of seeking camaraderie that is women-centric and as woo woo as I like. In no way does this mean that I'm giving up on doing more things outside of the apartment with Evan, but gratefully, he is incredibly understanding and is more than okay with me pursuing my own activities that are decidedly Kristi-soul-feeding-centric rather than things we'll both enjoy equally (or close to). I have issues along those lines of resentment from my first marriage, but at least I can recognize them for what they are. They aren't relevant to my current relationship and life. My brain continues to default to those initial neural pathways, to my displeasure. Back to positive stuff: I'm attending very Kristi-soul-feeding events in coming days, weeks and months! These include:

☆Aerial fitness and flexibility classes at The Circus Project
☆Lots of regular sauna
☆Shamanic healing and spirit animal session
☆Tama Kieves workshop
☆Face to face Women for Sobriety meetings on Mondays
☆Participating in my first Mystery Knit-A-Long with super vibrant, happy, locally-dyed yarns
☆Going to physical therapy, even though it will be out of pocket and probably close to $800-$1K by the time I'm done, but this elbow and shoulder pain has GOT to be dealt with

So… I suppose that things are very positive. Wish I could keep my psyche in that, "Hey! My life is going really well!" place, but apparently different forces are at work in my brain and heart. The truth is I'm doing well. It's my favorite time of year, and I'm making decisions that are good for me. I suppose, really, I'm winning!!

I was at sauna yesterday afternoon, ruminating on how I feel that I'm blissfully bobbing along on a sea of gratitude. Two weeks ago I was going through what I hope to be my final bad detox, and here I am now, anticipating starting a new job, taking a free into week at Pure Barre, maxing out my Spa Club time at Everett house... not only that, but thanks to not working in recent months, that I'm legally single, and Evan's year of paying alimony is up, I qualified immediately for Oregoncare. That means that I have state-support health insurance until the new year (I'll sign up for a subsidized insurance plan through the ACA in November, but it won't kick in until 2019), which most immediately meant that after the detox center up in Washington called in 2 refills of Antabuse for me, instead of me having to pay $131 out of pocket, I paid $0. I'm so incredibly grateful that there is still a social net here, and I look forward to paying back into it as of next week.

But because my mind still wants to find something to obsess about that could go wrong, I've been fighting off worries that my former housemate will decide not to return my deposit after Evan and I move out the rest of my stuff on Saturday. That's ridiculous even to contemplate considering that I may have spent maybe 14 nights there total during my time there, and all I did in my room was sleep or watch videos on my computer. My mind still wants to have very unnecessary conversations, so this morning I created a crystal grid and lit my two intention candles. I sent up prayers of thanks to the Universe and my Guardians, and said my mantra of peace:
I am safe.
I am loved.
I am on a sacred journey.
It's going to be okay.

Evan and I went to Home Depot on Wednesday in preparation for 'summerizing' our apartment. We bought curtain rods and special fabric that absorbs heat, noise, and is reflective. We sleep out in what would be considered the living room, and we have large windows with only a set of slatted blinds. When summer kicks in and there's relentless sun and heat, it makes it challenging to stay comfortable. So when I looked at the weather and saw days of sunshine with the temperatures in the 70s and even 80 by Monday, we decided it was time to take care of this. It also helps that I'm on leave as I can get out my sewing machine and make some curtains as well. I'll also make a long curtain-like divider to hang from the ceiling to make our bedroom/living room somewhat blocked off from the rest of the apartment— we have a rolling air conditioning unit that we used last year, and cooling off just our living space is much more efficient. We did that last year by using thumbtacks and hanging up a blanket. This year we thought we'd be slightly more sophisticated. ;) But there's no denying it: SUMMER IS COMING.

My leave is going well; extra therapy, lots of bodywork, especially this week. I had ashiatsu massage on Monday, chiropractic adjustment on Tuesday, and today I'm going to get acupuncture and cupping thanks to a Living Social deal. I try not to think about having to return to work and the stress of it, and have been mostly able to do so. I'm pretty sure that around this time next week, however, it will be more challenging to continue focusing on the here and now, and not project forward. I've tried not to impose too many expectations on myself during this time, though I wish I'd wanted to write on my sequel more. OTOH, I'm not taking this leave as a means to finish it. It's time to heal, to sit with my feelings of loss and anger as they arise, and to take extra care and gentleness with my whole self. It can be difficult for me to turn off my constant need to be productive, but I've been somewhat successful in that regard.

As part of my planned rest days/PTO after working the holidays, I've worked out at Mod Physique every day this week. This morning when the alarm went off, I realized I was dreaming I was in class! Funny. I also had a sauna/massage combo at Loyly, red velvet cupcakes have been purchased and eaten, and yesterday during a Portland group working day hosted by Airbnb, my colleague Bubut and I were completely unexpectedly sung to by our colleagues, and we each were presented with some kind of yummy looking pies with candles. All in all, pretty cool. :) There will be further celebrations tomorrow by going on a personal tour of the Hat Museum with grrlpup and sanguinity, and later on we'll celebrate another January birthday celebrant, snottygrrl. Very busy week and weekend, actually— much more frenetic than somehow I had initially imagined. evannichols has Dude Night tonight, and I in turn am going to attend my first ever free clothing swap. So many activities!

I also took my pair of cowboy boots to Shoes on the Run downtown in order to fix a hole in the sole I hadn't realized was there until last month when my mom and stepdad were visiting and I wore them to Multnomah Falls. I normally don't go downtown (certainly not in a car and when I will have to park), but Tuesday became more complicated since Evan was trying to schedule in an appointment to see his chiropractor, and I had the car. Thanks to our handy neocortexes, I was able to go work out, drop off the boots, take the car to his work, have a quick visit with Evan, be walked to the nearest bus stop, and rode the bus home.

This weekend will mark the second of my two full sat/sun weekends, truly luxurious. I'll work Monday as it's a holiday (and I'm keenly interested in being paid double, thanks all the same) but then have Tues-Thurs off once more. This week is the anti-frenetic, not-so-focused-on-being-constantly-productive rest time. There will be movies and knitting, reading, and hopefully a lot of writing. Also moving my altar so that it's not on a shelf but can be open to space. It seems claustrophobic to me right now, so with the help of a couple of paper boxes and the acquisition of Kristi-selected fabric to cover them, my sacred space can be moved from under its overhang. It's all part of a very organic process that feels true to my path right now. I find I'm at last able to get out of my own way; I know I'm not struggling against the current of where to expend my energies. I'm cultivating gratitude and it's second nature. These are welcome felicitations. :)

I'd hoped/planned to sleep in today, but I wasn't able to get back to sleep after Evan left at 6:50. I lay in bed, and was again plagued and somewhat assaulted by memories, and not glowing, cheery ones. The years of 2005-2012 were by far the most traumatic in my life. Conversely, they were also by far the most productive in terms of my writing output, averaging around 200K words a year of fanfiction until 2010. I think I was in a state of permanent escape for much of that time, adrift and untethered from much of my own daily reality, anchored instead by the stories and characters whose lives I could control much better. And I cared about them more than my own, which often seemed petty, futile, and distressing. So why am I having all of these flashbacks now, when my life is based far more firmly in reality, when I have a devoted, loving life partner who cherishes me? I think much of it may have to do with my work, which remains primarily a realm of frustration, despair, tedium and a pervasive feeling of having no control. Is there something in my psyche that misses the drama from before? Even the drama of the rush of writing prolifically, of getting positive feedback from readers and writers and thriving on the weave and weft of lives and characters whose stories begged me to write them?

I suspect I will always have the drive to be producing, whether writing or knitting or letters or being otherwise always engaged in something. And yet, I want to nurture a cultivation of desiring peace and balance and contentment. What I don't want is this unpleasant marching of images of decisions made and unpleasant experiences from those 7 years. Maybe some kind of ritual letting go is in order.

I'd been planning to start a four week trial at a place called Mod Physique today, but the deal I got for it lasts through March of 2014 and I realized yesterday that I wanted much less structure for today. So to temporarily banish some of the demons, I'm planning a trip to my favorite Goodwill with no time limit to browse. Then off to Fabric Depot to buy the lining fabric for my assymetric corrugated sweater and buttons for the cardigan I'm working on now, then a quick trip by my former housemates on 79th. This evening at 7 o'clock I have my MRI scheduled, so it will end up being a full day, but with plenty of time for me to do what I wish and have solo time- outside of the apartment. I'm really looking forward to it. It also really helps that it's autumn, and grey, and overcast and sweater weather. That buoys my spirits in and of itself.

evannichols had an overarching Word for the Year last year which was 'celebrate.' He hasn't been doing that kind of representational statement for many years, but we were discussing it this morning, it being a new calendar year and all. He's focusing on finishing things, so I suggested 'closure.' And since, of course, I wanted to think about me equally, I thought about my own goals and what word would be my go-to for the year. It came pretty quickly: tenacity. I'm very, very skilled at starting over. But it's been since the first half-decade of the 00s since I've worked on my staying power. This is the year that I want to hold on to what I have: the integral presence of Evan in my life; engaging employment; staying in this residence for a year; and, most importantly, keeping thoughts of 'this is all too good to be true, the universe loves bleak irony and some horrible tragedy is right around the corner to show me how too good to be true this is' at bay, whatever that takes in as healthy an approach as I can muster.

So. TENACITY

Jury duty was nearly as uneventful yesterday as Monday, though at 3:15 or so I was finally called to go to a courtroom! We were interviewed for a while to decide which of us would be unbiased and the appropriate jurors for the case, which was going to go on for the next day, perhaps two. Now, if this had happened on Monday I would have been stoked, but Wednesday is my day off and if I had been selected, it would have meant (I think) that I'd just be in jury duty and not paid or if I was paid, that would all be fine and good, but that day off would not necessarily be rescheduled. To my immense relief I was not chosen, and was able to go and leave the courtroom. The judge thanked us and I spontaneously replied, "Thank you for inviting us to be a part of the process," which she really seemed to appreciate. Fun fact I learned from this process and the juror movie we watched yesterday morning: there are more women judges than men in the state of Oregon. ♥

My left pinkie toe still hurts a lot. I've been icing and elevating it each day when I come home. I realize this may resemble a rib injury in that it just hurts for a long while as it heals. Ah, well. I did buy an exercise ball yesterday, something I'd been intending to do for months, so I can add in that element to my toning, but I think jogging again is still a little ways off. My sister sent me some birthday money so I can try out hot yoga, which I'm very excited about. :)

Today after doing laundry I'll head out to the jeweler who has resized my rings and pay for them and wear them, then go to visit sanguinity until lunchtime or so and then have quiet time at home. Yay!!

Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn't note the splendid evening we had with oh_that_jocelyn on Monday. There was yummy food and delightful conversation and gifts! I am grateful that Evan and his wife emerita are still close and that I, too, enjoy her company, very much. As Evan noted, she and I do have a lot in common: we both love cats, we love decorative stationery arts… ;)

So happy. Today is a tremendously marvelous day. I've spoken with my mom, my sister, am enjoying coffee and a totally indulgent cinnamon roll thingie with cream cheese, finishing up one of my non-Etsy-shop reclaimed sweaters to send to said sister's daughter, and perhaps the best thing (aside from enjoying this gorgeous, windy day and knitting or writing or reading or doing whatever the hell I want)… when Evan comes to pick me up at the end of his workday, I'll go to his place for five days! FIVE DAYS. IN A ROW. This may not seem like a big deal, but it's a tremendous opportunity for us to have a trial run of living together while we're both working, in the kind of scenario we'd experience: him going off to BHFT, me staying there to work from home. Him coming home and me still being on the clock until 6:00, then a leisurely evening with dinner, chatting, digital entertainment, and bed. Repeat! I don't think I'll ever take for granted the joy of ending and starting my days literally at Evan's side. Do I oftentimes regret that we don't get to enjoy our 20s and 30s together? Yes. That said, we needed to learn what we did from our prior relationships and working through our own individual self-actualizing in order to be as at peace with ourselves as we are now.

::hand fluttering to express ineffable joy::

This has been a while coming, and I haven't really known how to post about it. I received a call from my mother this morning; my maternal grandmother, Mymable, died last night. She's been declining for a year now, and has been on hospice care for several months. Evan had kindly offered to drive us up there if I wanted to, but since she wasn't really recognizing people, I decided to keep my memories which were of seeing her a couple of years ago (she's been living in Bellevue, WA, outside of Seattle) at her 90th birthday party and during visits when I saw my aunt. Mymable was 92, and is quite likely why I became such an enthusiastic knitter. I have so many fond memories of visiting her and Grandaddy in Ruston, Louisiana- including the year we lived there in 1981-82. I'm not sad for her, but mostly for my own mother, who isn't doing very well health-wise herself, and neither is my stepdad. I feel a bit helpless in that I don't effectively how to be there for her. The rest of her siblings were in Bellevue with Mymable when she died, and mom was back in Virginia. Her choice, of course, but her own life is rather challenging. My own inability (or discomfort with) to reach out for help when I really need it, well, I do believe I came by that honestly from both sides of my family of origin. But it has made me very sad this morning that finally I'm in a solid place emotionally myself, with the very strong support of my own partner now, to reach out to her, and there were so many years when she and I didn't really relate as adult to adult.

All that said, I'm rather melancholy as I get ready to work remotely for the first time. I'm so grateful that I'll be swept into emails and in the comforting environment of Evan's living space, and that he's here and wants to comfort me as needed.

Eventually I'll get a hold of some pictures of me with Mymable and post them. I don't have any of my own photo albums right now, but I'll rectify that in the months to come, too.