Thrihyrne

One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)

In my LJ I received this slightly edited comment about work in general:

I think that it is not necessary to be so emotional about employment. It is a job, not a profession, vocation or long-term career. Your obligation is to give them an honest day's work for an honest day's pay. It is not a personal relationship, and there should be no occasion for either euphoria or heartbreak.

I'm taking this on as more in my new neural pathways, and I'm determined to see this as not only liberating, but taking so many unnecessary emotions out of it. I work for them, they pay me. End of equation. I even get to work by myself if I want, every day that I work and don't have a meeting. And now, to internalize that.

Two other unrelated items:
✍ A.Word.A.Day, with Anu Garg

A guinea pig is not a pig, nor is it from Guinea. It's a rodent from South America. Sweetbread is neither sweet nor bread. It's the pancreas or thymus of an animal used for food. The movie director Norman Jewison is neither a Norman nor a Jew. He's a Canadian Christian. Nobody said names for people or things have to make sense.

This week we'll feature five terms that do not mean what you might think they mean.

I'm excited!

☯ evannichols and I watched "Jiro Dreams of Sushi" over the weekend. Somehow it had escaped me that this was a documentary. LOL. I love documentaries, and mostly was getting this because it had been recommended and it had a great title. I quite enjoyed it. I have a new appreciation for sushi and finding passion and pursuing excellence in one's life calling.

And perhaps a wee bit of text. ;)
( it's been a really frakking fabulous few days )

So!! I am so very, very happy and feeling validated and cherished and thrilled about my present and where I'm headed. I am indeed a beloved child of the Universe. ♥

One of the major issues I've struggled with in recent years is not trusting the universe when things are going well for myself. That's when my self-sabotage has kicked in, with increasingly detrimental and disastrous results. I'm seeking out a therapist to deal with this element of my psyche in particular, but I'm also free to do my own cognitive therapy on my own. And I am doing so now, because things are beginning to go well for me. Not just in the relationship realm, though that is so far off the charts that it does (to my mind) explain in part why I've continued to do some self-sabotage, though I am keeping to the forefront of my consciousness just exactly how important it is that it not happen again.

All that to say: I had a great afternoon at my temp marketing assistant site, and am really looking forward to the quite real possibility that I'll be with them for at least two months. I do spend almost equal amounts of time getting out there and back as I'm spending working (4 hours and 4 hours, respectively) but that's fine- I have loads to keep me busy on public transport. My colleagues are intelligent and well-tempered! I'm getting to use my skill set! It's not at a call center! I'm getting paid much closer to what I'm worth! It just feels so good to be out in a work environment again and to be compensated for that. Perhaps ironically I got a call about another 1/2 time position I applied for over the weekend and I'll speak with that group this morning. I suspect the hours won't jive, but maybe it could work out. I'd love to add in another 10 hours with someone or some institution, so I'll continue to keep a finger on the pulse of jobs at Craigslist.

emansil_12 recently recommended to me a book titled Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. I'm only a few pages in as I want to really take my time and absorb what he's writing (as well as to do his guided visualizations and my own on a daily basis as part of continuing to put out messages of positivity into the world). I think this could be one of those books that I actually buy and keep as an integral part of being on my path.

I'm keeping up with the jogging, though I was a bit deflated to discover that I'm probably only burning about 100 calories a mile. Still, this is more about getting conditioning, not a weight loss endeavor. Yesterday and today it's been sunny and warm, so getting out around 7:10 p.m. (I leave work at 5:00 and get home around 6:50) is the perfect time of day for me to be exercising. I've never been a morning workout person.

Oh, and my yarn dyes arrived yesterday!! So exciting. This weekend's weather won't facilitate any projects, but perhaps next weekend.

There are a few close friends of mine who are dealing with some serious issues and difficult anniversaries; my heart goes out to you, and know that I'm holding you in light.

I'll try to keep my 'vomiting rainbows' elements to a minimum, but there's something so wonderful about being able to have a sleepover with my beloved on a weekday, get dropped off literally next to a bus for me to catch to get home the next morning, then see him again for lunch a few hours later. And now it's on the cusp of the weekend, which means that I'll get picked up after he has fun at Dudes' Night, and we can look forward to two days together. Yesterday was particularly delightful in that I spent a couple of hours at BHFT between my lunch date with evannichols and his leaving for the day, and in that time, two wonderful things happened: I had a completely out of the blue phone call from heartofoshun, and then a fellow knitter approached me (I was working on my new project) and we chatted for a while about knitting and I gave her my Ravelry info. After that, Evan and I went and took a walk with sanguinity since the weather was cooperating. Must admit that I forgot to tell her about my reaction to Cleopatra 2525. Next walk.

Today started out quite chilly and foggy, but then cleared to an absolutely gorgeous day. You all know that I do love my grey skies, but the occasional clear day is also welcome. I came home to discover that Robin, one of the matriarchs, was making oatmeal cookies with other goodies in them, and she offered one to me as I ate a grapefruit in the unconventional manner that I enjoy them. Oatmeal Scotchies go surprisingly well with grapefruit. ;)

This afternoon I've looked through my interlibrary loan book about Japanese sex clubs (a photography book, primarily) and am about to settle in to watch an episode or two of Wallander while knitting on my vest before thinking about dinner.

My heart is quite buoyant these days. :)