Thrihyrne

One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)

So it wasn't my birthday, but evannichols's 51^st on Saturday. There was very yummy breakfast-eating at Slappy Cakes, kilt wearing (him, not me), a wander around the beautiful campus of his alma mater, Lewis & Clark College, and then being taken out to birthday sushi by sanguinity and grrlpup. And that was just Saturday!! I worked my usual shifts of 1-10 on Sunday and yesterday, but Evan was around much of yesterday so I could enjoy his company. And then my friend Jen stopped by during my break yesterday on her return trip to Eugene, so that was an additional highlight. Just a really wonderful, delight-filled set of days.

So here's a link to the photos, for those who don't follow me on other social media!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/88838401@N03/sets/72157633011385798/

I'll be picking up my copy of Unfinished Tales this week and hope to get kick-started on some writing while on my business trip next week. :)

I returned last night from a 5-day (including basically 2 days of travel) whirlwind trip with evannichols to Harrisonburg, Virginia. This was a 'business' trip, to go through a large closet of my belongings that have been there since 2005 when I was filing for divorce from my to-be-wasband and my stepdad came to Nashville and we got a small U-Haul trailer and moved all of my belongings from Nashville to Harrisonburg. Since then, I've moved to Verona, VA, to 2 other locations in Harrisonburg, and various places in Portland. Now, at last, I'm stable in a wide variety of ways, including my residence. So it was time.

This was also the first time I'd seen my mother and stepfather since my acrimonious departure in fall of 2011. Since then, I've had a 180° turnaround in relations with my mother (I've never had long-term issues with my stepdad) and we've been communicating much more regularly. Still, I was a bit unsure about whether or not there might be awkward questions, or awkward expectations, and to my relief, there simply wasn't any. It was a very busy and purposeful three days, but there was also a fabulous reunion element to do with the choir I'd sung with in Staunton. We had lunch with a couple of my dear friends, there was a massive hug-fest and introductions of Evan to, well, everyone. Not only that, but my dear friend persephone100 came down to stay for a day and visit and assist. She also got to go 'shopping' for free through my stuff! So many items went to a happy new home. :) Heaps of things will go to a new home eventually, as the Harrisonburg Goodwill got another motherlode of my stuff that I simply wasn't emotionally tied to.

So now we're back, having checked 3 bags on the return flight, and shipping one rug and one plastic bin via UPS. That's it. All the rest was recycled/trashed/given away/scanned. What a relief, and a harbinger of this amazing life I lead now and plan to have for years. Now Evan knows I have a past! He had a super-saturated experience of people and places and proof that I really have received a tremendous amount of written correspondence since 1986. It's good to be home, and to return to my current life, which is a gift unto itself.

I'm back at Airbnb effective immediately (though I don't have my laptop; I'll retrieve it tomorrow when I'm back at our Portland office) and very grateful. I have learned a tremendous amount about my own strength during this, as well as the amazing support and love that is granted so fully to me. Thank you all for your kind words during what was a pretty challenging several days!

The short (and long!) of my one-day visit with emansil_12 was that the day was sublime. We talked, walked, shopped, ate lunch with evannichols, hung out at my house, visited my wee library branch, went back to her lodging, talked more… and then it was time for me to go to an appointment. It joyed my heart so much to have the whole day with her, and for her to meet Evan in person, and to meet my housemates and see my room and environs. We will need to do this far more often than once every four years!! She is now off to Lubricus with snottygrrl and winnett, and I hope they all have a wonderful time at the con.

My work schedule is a bit wonky due to the fabulousness of friends visiting and that I'm traveling with evannichols this weekend! I just realized I've not really posted about that, but I'll be going with him to Spicer's Meadow in northern California for a couple of days for an annual Nichols family get-together. This means that I'll be meeting his parents and an older brother and others for the first time in person. :D While that is a big deal, what's an even bigger deal to me psychologically is traveling with him, and flying, even. I've not traveled or flown with anyone (exception of the Staunton choir tour) since, oh, 2004. I'm used to keeping my anxieties and fears to myself, and making not great decisions because I could, and I was alone and no-one was keeping tabs on me. So this will be all different. And precisely because Evan is so optimistic and level-headed, I haven't been wracked by my usual freak-out about flying. I am going to treat myself either to a bagel or doughnut that morning we fly, however. It's healthier than my prior choice would have been.

So… I'll be AFK pretty much until mid-week next week. But after that I'll have pictures, of the trip and with my dear emansil_12.