Thrihyrne

Since I'm still not getting the photo hosting and resizing here on DW and don't feel it has priority enough to do more learning, I'm just going to post a link to my knitted project on Ravlery, here. Very happy with that particular garment: the structure, the process of knitting it, and the result. Quite a home run. Soon I'll be starting a matching pair of knitted hot pants/shorts to go with it since I needed to get a second ginormous skein of that yarn to finish the sweater.

This morning I've found myself to be peevish and testy, pretty much 100% due to two consecutive nights of (my usual) very long and vivid dreamscapes, complete with all of the emotions tied up in them that feel just as real as anything else. But 2 nights ago in dreamland I was drinking a lot and also having really hot sex with a former boyfriend (in my dreams I think I'm nearly always in my mid-30s) and wondering how I was going to explain it all to Evan, and then this morning I had another dream in which I was housesitting or something like it and the grounds outside and the house inside was beautiful and I had on beautiful music I was singing along to and helping myself to a very large glass of straight up Kentucky bourbon. In the dream I then drove to some school (it had something to do with ancillary childsitting, I think, though I wasn't watching any children at the time) and then went back to the house and knew I was supposed to check in with Evan but I didn't want to because I knew he'd hear it in my voice that I'd been drinking. So I didn't call and was trying to be happy and drink and sing for as long as I could until I knew he'd just show up and that would be the end of that. Waking up was in some ways a relief, but all of the emotions from all of what dream-Kristi is up to feel as real as anything else I go through in a day. Logically I note to myself, "Hey! Bonus! Dream Kristi is having plenty of time with Her Ladyship, Alcohol, and you during the day don't need to suffer any downsides to that physically because it's not actually in your system." But emotionally, the guilt and swirling other negative emotions associated with drinking and hiding, hiding my drinking, thinking I'm hiding my drinking, acting out because nobody gets to control me and whether or not I'm drinking... all of that is hanging out in my current morning psyche, getting in the way of everything due to FEELS about something I didn't actually do in recent days. I can understand that perhaps this is the safest way to act out, since the only real downside to acting out in my dreamscape is that I'm stuck with the emotions of having made poor choices when on this side of awake, I actually haven't. But certainly in the recent past I have and perhaps I haven't really absolved myself of as much as I'd like to think I have.

Dealing with emotional discomfort is part of adulting, though, and I know good and well this will pass, I'll go to work, I'll continue to be super engrossed in the amazing trainwreck of reading Bob Woodword's "Fear: Trump in the White House" during my commute, I'll do lots of data entry/charge entry at work and be in my own little world, and hopefully I can enjoy sauna this evening and there won't be too many loud breathers with penises (it's co-ed all other hours at Everett House other than when I'm now used to going, Sundays between 10-3).

Yeah, I'm a bit cranky and it seems unfair because the feelings are tied up in activities I didn't actually engage in recently. But aside from the cheating aspect, all of the rest of it are definitely feelings I've had over the past 15 years. Suppose that's not much of a surprise, though having felt so stellar and full of accomplishment and self-validation and being in my Dharma, this unpleasantness is particularly irritating. But it will pass. I'll aim for acceptance and just keeping on today.

... well, here it doesn't pour all the time, but there's a good chance you're living in Portland. But I'm writing about the amazing and grateful fact that I have yet another interview for another 1/2 time position! It's for a development assistant position with a downtown church. I had a preliminary chat while walking to my bus yesterday morning, which made for a very non-conducive pre-interview conversational environment (but it was the only time we could talk) as the bus I catch is on a very loud and busy street at a loud and busy intersection. I'll meet with them on July 6th. I'd be thrilled to be able to have two half-time positions, if I could make it work. I don't honestly know how long I'll be on assignment out in Beaverton, though it sounded like at least a two-month gig. Guess I'll see over time. But, yay!

I'm still a bit weirded out about enjoying my early mornings so much. Some of it has to do with the fact that it's pretty much the only time the house here is quiet, but I also realize that I'm able to get a fair amount of things accomplished in the early hours. I've been sleeping quite soundly, and am definitely still in a very vivid dream cycle. Quality sleep goes a long way toward making my general anxiety levels much lower. Having a paycheck in any amount is also helping. ;) I also did some affirmations and visualizations while jogging yesterday. The author of the book I'm reading recommends that one be relaxed and restful while doing those, but I figure that the more often I do affirmations and consciously have positive thoughts about myself and my situation, the more I'll believe them. Which is a very good thing.

☹ Firstly: My dreamlife. Goodness, gracious, the long, convoluted, mind-numbingly detailed dreams that I've been having this weekend. For Friday and Saturday night I had three of those per night. Last night I only had two. But still. In one of them from Saturday I'd misplaced my backpack (in which I keep my vitals these days and have it with me all the time) and some woman brought it to me, gave me a vindictive look, and dumped it out on the floor before running away. When going through it, I realized my wallet was gone, and (still in the dream) had to reprogram my phone to call evannichols and tell him that I was going to have to replace all of my cards and cancel my credit cards. I was so incredibly relieved in the morning to be able to go to my backpack and see that, in fact, my wallet was there. Having so many experiences, whether experienced in the common reality of being awake or being asleep, can be really challenging. It's why even though my various therapists have been really intrigued and wanted me to write them down, I refuse to do so. Too many 'realities'.

☺ Secondly: BACON. Yum. Birthday-weekend bacon, at that. Which is a lot like regular bacon, but enjoyed especially much.

☺ Thirdly: One of the things that is so amazing to me about spending time with evannichols is that even what would be considered mundane activities have an aura of marvelousness to them. This morning it occurred to me that the word to describe that is evanescence. With a new meaning, of course. ;)

☺ I heard from the recruiter at the company where I've been interviewing, but when I returned his call, he was on holiday until tomorrow and specifically not checking email or voicemail. But I did speak with the person there that he said to contact in an emergency and she said she'd let him know, and I also sent an email anyway. So I hope to hear from him early this week and maybe I'll even have an offer. That would be pretty great.

☹ I'll be heading back to my house this evening, and that always makes me a bit melancholy. But… ☺ it's been a really, really wonderful four days with my beloved. I'll focus on that.

Yes, I'm making up words. I'll warn again for excessive happiness, but hey: I think I've paid for this. ( the past few days )

I'm getting very close to finishing my vest! I'm only about a half inch from the specified length, then I'll do all of the bind-off and decorative edging and then all I'll need to do is block it and be done. I've decided to make an adorable baby owl cardigan for both of my stepsisters out of this yarn since I believe they're both pregnant with second children. I'll get more details and confirm that when I talk with my stepdad today, if I get him on the phone.

Also on the positive job front, I applied to a database contractor position and while I highly doubt I'll be brought in, it was great to hear from the recruiter and after we talked, she said she felt comfortable at least submitting my resume into the mix. Then I got a call from one of the Portland community centers where I'd submitted a resume and cover letter, and I have an interview with them next week! Things do seem to happen when I get really serious about looking for a job.

In essence: it's all splendiferous. :)

There's nothing like being woken up by your alarm in the midst of having a very in-depth dream about helping out with Aleuts who are living in 'the hood' in Anchorage. :shakes head: I really don't understand my subconscious sometimes. I was on the phone with my best friend in Eugene last night until 12:15 or so and then went to sleep, but with my imminent departure to Portland, could not fall straight asleep. I may not have posted this here, but I do have a date: Wednesday, October 5th. Ticket is purchased, my former roommate Julia is picking me up and I'll be staying with her for a couple of days while solidifying my living situation (she's opened her doors to me and really would like for me to live with her, but I think it's best if I'm somewhere else and can have the occasional sleepover and be a good friend. I'm already booked to house- and catsit for her the 23-30 while she goes off on a cruise. I love how this is all working out!), and settling in once again to Stumptown/Rose City, pick your city nickname. When my mind is churning, I was thinking of things like how much cash to take with me and in what dollar bill denominations. This came up because I'll be car-less this go 'round and will need to take TriMet from the get-go and my bank doesn't go that far west. And I HATE paying ATM fees. But this kind of minutiae is what I live with all the time. And berating myself and saying, "You can't do anything about any of this right this minute. GO TO SLEEP," didn't help either. Still, at least I enjoy having to-do lists.

And I sold another item on Etsy yesterday, and not one that I expected to. So exciting! It's so funny that now that I'm counting down to leaving, I've become this force of making money with the least amount of effort. I have Etsy (which isn't difficult, but was quite time-consuming in terms of getting pictures of me in the clothes and resizing pics and all of that), and I had a modeling gig at JMU yesterday and will have one more before taking off, and this evening telemarketing gig that I picked up and started this past Tuesday. It's an at-will company with an ever-revolving door of people (as is common in that world) so I'm going to stay exactly 3 weeks so none of my commissions will be docked and I'll leave a letter the morning that I fly out. And I'll do so without a twinge of guilt. It's not as though I'd be using them as a reference.

This morning I'm off to the poetry center to help a student worker with the database I created. I'm glad to be back with them to assist and spend some time with them again. I'll hopefully be able to spend some time with my former supervisor and let her in on my plans as she's said she would be pleased to be a reference for me. If I do apply to grad school, having her as an academic will be a definite plus.

Happy Friday to everyone!

Well, the big news for me is that the most recent issue of Filament magazine is not only one that features red headed males, but it also has my article! I can't wait to get my author copy. I'll be buying a few extras as well, no doubt. :)

Also, when I was chatting with one of my Furious Flower colleagues, part of my dream from last night came to me, and I was a vampire! But I was hanging out with two other vampires, and while there was a little bit of feeding, it hurt, and not in a good way. Hmmmm. I haven't even watched True Blood in a couple of weeks. In fact, thanks to a recommendation from persephone100, I downloaded and watched Shaun of the Dead, a silly British zombie movie that was so non-believable and schticky even I could watch it.

In a first for me for the holiday season, as part of the three exchanges I'm involved in, I'm writing three stories: one pre-slash, one gen, and one… het. What is wrong with the universe? I miss my monks and/or writing good 'ol PWP slash. Maybe in the new year. That said, two of the three are essentially done, and I really grooved on writing the Tolkien one.

Glad to be on the other side of the Thanksgiving holidays. For Christmas, as an unintentional gift to me, my parents will be going up to NYC to hang out with grandchildren. I'll take care of the pets and watch over the house. :D And stay in comfy clothes, unless I have to work at Panera, which is highly possible. My thanks to those I chatted with over the holidays and helped me to keep my sanity when things were a bit on the desperate side. ♥

My dreamlife has been unusually vivid the past couple of weeks. Two nights ago, for example, I woke up and remembered all kinds of elements to my dream, as I usually do, then went back to sleep and returned to the dream. While in the dream I thought, "Wow— this is really, really long with all kinds of details that I'll remember later." I'm sometimes aware I'm in my dreams, but not all that often. That one I did, though. Last night's involved losing my shoes on some babied-down version water ride and finding a new pair (purple! with yellow stripes!) before being sent to hell to do some kind of work. I kid you not. o_O

Am in a definite state of dispassion and listlessness: my old buddies. Either that or I'm simply easing into the fact that I'm going to be here in the 'burg for a while and that means relatively little social outlets, not a lot of scintillating conversations, and putting the best spin I can on my situation. Which I should do anyway, and it's certainly not all bad. For instance, we do apparently have roller derby. By all that's holy, I'm going to buy a ticket and go watch roller derby for real this Sunday. Should be fun, or at least something new and different I've never done before!

I've not been reporting in about all of my dreams because it would just get exhausting. Several LJ people have shown up in the past week, however, including both wolfiekins and koshweasley in the same dream. Last night I dreamed I was at some spectacle, but oddly enough given that there was a despondent female trapeze artist, it wasn't a circus. It was a business event, but in a place with super-high ceilings. And for some reason I ended up being asked or forced to join her, and I was pretty nervous because while she was quite skilled, she was also obviously really depressed. But I felt safe, even when we were swinging up really high (on the same swing) and somehow I knew I would be safe even when I fell (gracefully, somehow) and she held my feet and she swung as well. I don't remember how it ended. I had to look up the symbolism for a trapeze, as you might imagine. From two sources, here's what I found:

To see a trapeze act in your dream, signifies a carefree attitude toward life. You are trying to escape from your daily responsibilities and take some time out to relax. Alternatively, the dream represents your high aspirations and ideals. To dream that you are swinging on a trapeze, indicates a desire or wish for sexual variety or adventure. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes indecisiveness. You are going back and forth on some choice.

Trapeze
A symbol of a strong desire for freedom - to come as close as a human being possibly can to flying on his own, whether the dreamer is actually on the trapeze or watching someone else perform. If the dreamer successfully performs a routine on a trapeze, the dreamer will experience the freedom he desires, but if he falls and crashes, he'll very likely fail due to his own shortcomings. If he falls and lands in a safety net, he'll succeed in spite of his shortcomings. Other symbols in the dream can reveal how the dreamer can avoid failure.

Hmmm. Another really good week; I've written up my recommendations for the community health center and will probably be able to present them on Monday or Tuesday. I do hope they'll retain me to actually implement the suggestions, and I think they will. I joined a gym (I think I mentioned that?) and have been really enjoying being able to take Pilates again on a regular basis, as well as enjoy the sauna, yoga, cardio classes, and having a healthy way to get out of my head.

I've been receiving a lot of very positive feedback on the original fiction story, both here and with a couple of select folks out in wider realms. So that's pretty great! And it's a weekend, so as of tomorrow I have some people to call and hopefully have long conversations with. I hope that you all have/are having a pleasurable weekend.

You all know that I have very long, detailed, did I mention detailed and long dreams that I remember more often than not. I don't write them down much anymore as it just gets too confusing when going on in real life, but this past week I've been dreaming of going back "home" to a house under renovation/reconstruction that I didn't remember at all. I was retrieving all of the things I'd had housed there, including photos, letters, and for some reason, loads and loads of jewelry: but things like brooches and earring sets, things I don't actually have in real life.

But last night, I got to dream about… Alan Rickman. Think "Truly, Madly, Deeply" Alan Rickman, but without the facial hair. At first we were both in a period movie, and were long-separated lovers, but it was Victorian or Edwardian, so there was no real getting it on, but lots and lots of really scorching finger touching, nuzzling, nibblekissing, that sort of thing. But then we were together somehow in real life, in current times, and it somehow segued into me being on a trip and a bunch of people running past me to catch a connecting flight and I'd become buddy buddy with somebody that I was going to get opera tickets to. And I was still involved with Alan, but had to wait to fly there and was hanging out with my (turquoise, hard case) suitcase in a waiting area until some flight attendants from another airline said I had to move- turns out my flight wasn't for another 4 hours or somesuch. Anyway, eventually I believe I was able to hang out with Alan and hold hands and there was all kinds of promise for marvelous things to come. The emotional hangover of sorts of happiness of reuniting in both the period piece part and the real life part has made me rather wistful and full of longing… for someone I've not really met.

This is why I try not to write down my dreams: it gets too complex, with the elements going on in my real life, the one that other people interact in, anyway, plus my writing life and the feelings/actions of the characters who demand I write about them, and then this additional layer! Still, I can revel a bit in the memory of something that emotionally happened and felt as real as anything else. And me with no Alan Rickman icon right now... phooey. We'll go with me daydreaming under a tree as a child. I come by this stuff honestly.

Happy Friday!

I think I've figured out that the real culprit to my aching backside and back are truly the result of the Ikea assemble-it-yourself rolling desk chair that I have. After spending 10 days with Jill & Yvonne, all of that stuff had gone away. It's back, and with a vengeance. I think I'll splurge and get a new chair once I move, and that date is now going to be the end of January/first of February. But I'm in my chair with an extra pillow now with the hope that I won't be so achey, because I have a lot to type, a couple of emails to write, and I'm IM'ing with my dear Callum. Yay for days off.

I stayed up until 4:45 a.m. reading that slave fic; ridiculous. Woke up at 8:36 due to the homeowner's cat scratching at my door but thought it was not on for me to get only 3 1/2 hours of sleep. So I did eventually get back to sleep and had an awful dream that I won't get into, and then woke up again at 10:45. What a lazy day! Complete with rain, too. I have coffee and a pop tart (I did have a banana and cereal first), my tofu is marinating in soy sauce to have later on today in stir-fry, and I have loads to write and read.

Yuletide reveals are up! Now I can go and see a bit more about the person who wrote for me. She wrote a Phillip Pullman His Dark Materials story for me as I mentioned in this entry. My story, "The Teethmarks of Time," can be found here at Yuletide, in case you'd like to see my first foray into HDM fandom! And you can leave a review there, if you're into HDM. No worries if you're not; I don't think I'll be writing anything else in that fandom, but it was a good experience. If you're a Swordspoint fan, my story for just_ann_now has been revealed at 3fan_holidays found here. Doubtless I'll upload it to _riverside and also my website... though I don't have a location for it! Yikes! I may need to make a page of just 'random' fics. Especially if I do ever actually write a Persian Boy story.