Feb. 27th, 2015 07:48 am
thrihyrne: (Boromir life is good)
I know and respect that many of you aren't on the Book of Face. I had some amazing photos taken at a photo shoot last Sunday, and wanted to share. They're proprietary, and so I'm not going to put them on Flickr or anything, so here's the link to my FB page that shows 3 of my favorites. I also have gone ahead and made a super-basic Wordpress blog in anticipation of marketing myself as an original fiction author, found here. It features one of those photos.

Here's the FB page link
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Evidently this is the Year In Which Thevina Gets Two Yuletide Stories. The second one is in a fandom I've included in my own hoped-for writing category every year, "Secret of Roan Inish." It's a quiet story, which is evocative of the film, and my anonymous author obviously is as besotted by the film as I am. Her (I assume) story is just what I could have hoped for, addressing what it would have been like for Fiona and Jamie, her lost-then-found younger brother, as they get older and are still coping with Jamie's youngest years.

Even if you haven't seen the movie, if you have a thing for selkies and Scottish island myths, you'll love this delicious gem.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
I'll admit that in past years, I was mostly jazzed about writing, not what I received. This year, however, has brought a truly marvelous story my way that I'm not waiting to share!! It's set within "Almost Human," and if you know the wonderful TV series that SO disappointingly wasn't continued, you will love this short story. Everything about it is spot on: the banter, the dialogue, the knowledge of the show. It's phenomenal. If you're interested, please go and read and leave the (still anonymous) author some kind words! ♥
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
I tend to write for about 30 minutes in the early morning with my first cup of coffee, just small sections of things before I can handle looking at a computer. I've been primarily working on my Dreamspinner novella sequel, the one that may not ever be contracted, I realize. But maybe the first one will sell enough and they'll want to support a sequel. Anyway, I was writing it yesterday and the protagonist and his lover were discussing how they'd get from their cottage to Dowth, maybe a mile or two away. The protagonist asked if they were driving, and the lover noted he doesn't know how to drive a car, so they had bicycles. To which the protagonist surprised me and his lover by saying that he doesn't know how to ride a bicycle. I love it when my characters surprise me with information about themselves I hadn't planned out!!

Since I finished my Yuletide story so quickly, I went to the 'Dear Yuletide Letter' spreadsheet and have selected an Orphan Black request that I'd love to write. Just a short vignette missing moment from an episode in season two we watched a couple of weeks ago. I've never written a pure gift fic before, but I'm really excited to write something in a fandom I've both never written for, and one that I'm currently enjoying myself. ♥

I'm about to have the most social couple of weeks than I've had in maybe a year or more! We'll be enjoying Thanksgiving with our dear friends [personal profile] sanguinity and [personal profile] grrlpup, a tradition I feel so fortunate to get to share with them, then Thursday the 4th Evan and I will attend the Portland office Airbnb holiday extravaganza. This is only the third ever local event where a +1 has been invited. :P Should be interesting since I'm still remote and don't know a good 5/6 of the people who work at the office now. We'll plan to go right at 7:00 and hang out for 2 hours or so before coming home and letting the younger set get crazy with an open bar. Saturday the 6th we have another holiday event with dear friends who've returned to the area from Utah, and then Tuesday the 9th one of the highlights of my month happens: one of my very dear colleagues who's also a remote employee is coming to Portland to visit the office again. She's gathered up a bunch of us who are now 'old timers' in Airbnb-parlance (nearly 2.5 years or longer) and mostly remote or only-recently-not-remote women to go out to dinner. It's a foretaste of how I'm now viewing next year's One Airbnb 2.0 to be held at HQ in SF. I didn't go last year; I was very conflicted in how I felt about my employer at that time, and was personally struggling with a lot of things that I'm not now. I'll be attending this year, and really looking forward to getting to see all of my remote buddies and talking about non-work things. :)

To do

Oct. 25th, 2014 09:28 am
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Perhaps especially when I was in particularly dark places of my psyche, I made daily to do lists to have the structure of accomplishing things each day. Now that things are going well, I continue to do so. For my own historical archiving, more than anything else, here is my weekend to do list:
    ⌖ hang posters/art
    ⌖ look at Oregon coast Airbnb listings (for upcoming weekend away for my birthday in January)
    ⌖ vote
    ⌖ repair sweater & Evan's sock
    ⌖ re-read Rune Throwing and sequel
    ⌖ call Jen S. Friday night
    ⌖ call Lynda (done)
    ⌖ make thank you card for Jocelyn
    ⌖ recolor hair
    ⌖ upload last of HASA fics and Slave Breaker fics to Ao3
    ⌖ take photos of 80s clothes & purple DKNY jacket and put on ebay & etsy for sale
    ⌖ same with Fisherman's Sweaters book

There are the usual other things in there: go to Mod Physique, eat, do things around the house. And really, I work Sundays, so I suppose this is mostly for today. But actually pretty manageable. Happy weekend to you all!! ♥
thrihyrne: (asian text)
I'm copying much of this from my friend heartofoshun, as she has so eloquently phrased this true end of an era. Henneth-Annun is going to shut down at the end of this calendar year. From the site announcement: "HASA will be retired and taken offline at the end of the year. This is not being done lightly, and there is a lot of sorrow surrounding the decision."

I'm tearing up just writing this down. I learned so much from that site, and all of my vast amount of Tolkien fanfic is there. My ancient (ie: 10 year old) character biographies are there. I was mentored and won awards there. I mentored other authors once I'd been writing for a while there. My second fanfiction survey paper, Under the Waterfall, was written about HASA participants in particular and how they saw themselves. That paper was even referenced and printed in its entirety in a fellow fandom studies' book, The Democratic Genre: Fan Fiction in a Literary Context. It's just so sad. Perhaps this is the universe's way of prompting me to learn enough to do a major overhaul of my own, rustic website.

Anyway, heartofoshun eloquently wrote this: "But first and foremost it prompted a serious love for, engagement in, and commitment to the entirety of the fandom and all its genres. It promoted the sense that fanfic writing was real writing and deserved to be treated as such."

I'm posting this publicly to assist in getting the word out if, like me, you hadn't been active of late and may want to revisit what all you have there and go snag it if you hadn't.
thrihyrne: (knitting cable lover)
It's not quite finished, but I'm getting pretty close! Many of you all aren't on the Book of Face, which is absolutely fine (I mostly play games) but it's become so difficult for me to post pics here in DW/LJ land. But! Ravelry has made it super easy. I uploaded 5 new pictures of this double knitted, reversible vest for my brother, and you can see the pics here! I'm going to have heaps of yarn left over. I think I may need to make one similar for me, though sized appropriately. My brother is tall and has a very broad chest and back. It's been mostly fun to work on, and I've found myself really enjoying double knitting. A couple of months ago [ profile] evannichols and I even sat in bed talking about an excel program he could make up in order to make a double-knitted, reversible vest or top with a different design on each side. It'd be a nightmare to look at in terms of a charted pattern, but with only 2 colors, it could easily be made into a binary chart that he could help make.

Yes, uber geeks. ♥


Aug. 7th, 2014 06:42 am
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
I haven't done one of these in a while, but this is a cursory Myers Briggs:
    Kristi's Personality Type Results

What strikes me about this is that it's not quite a 180 from what I got in college and my 20s, when I was a solid ENFP. Now the extrovert has become introverted, the intuition to more evaluation, feeling is the same, but I'm also much more analytical and judging than perceiving. I'd begun noticing these changes by my mid-30s, much of it having to do with my then-newish extraordinary writing life, but also several years into a marriage in which we didn't have a social life together with other people after Kurt's best friend had moved away. So many factors into his and my descent into separate lives in the same house, on those rare moments when I think about that anymore.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Not sure that I agree with this, but…

You were born during a First Quarter moon

This phase occurs in the middle of the moon's waxing phases, after the new moon and before the full moon.

- what it says about you -

You test everything. You're sometimes unhappy with what others think is "good enough". You point out things you see wrong with the world, even if others are afraid it may cause some unrest. When something isn't right, you're the one who's not afraid to make dramatic changes. You're good at keeping your head in a crisis and reminding people that it takes a shakeup to fix things.

What phase was the moon at on your birthday? Find out at

Haven't posted here in forever; nor on LJ. I futz around on FB, not really posting anything that's deeply personal, but I do love the games. Aiyiyi.

In quick news, finished my first original fic m/m story and have submitted it to Dreamspinner. Am waiting. Will also be reaching out to a friend who's become a literary agent as I would really love to be under her wing as well. The original fic story really needs a sequel, but I'm too stubborn to start on it until and unless I know it's going to be published. In the interim, I've started another original fic story, for a smaller Dreamspinner imprint, and this one will be f/f. It's essentially me in 'Sliding Doors' format; what if? What if I'd fallen for this mythical creature with multicolored hair and tattoos who knits? It's writing itself since it's shameless autobiography without some of my more troubling traits, and the love interest is an amalgam of people I know and yet I hope she'll develop her own unique character as well. I'm really having fun with this one, going to town with just writing it, being as self-indulgent as I want to.

I have a friend who works at Dreamspinner, and I did some gratis proofreading for them, which has given me the confidence to submit works there. Quite to my surprise I found myself attracted to this small imprint, which is so different I'm including the entire description here:
    Itineris Press
    An imprint of Dreamspinner Press providing the best in LGBT faith-based fiction
    Because the journey is as luminous as the destination.

    Itineris stories are:

    ~ contemporary
    ~ immediate
    ~ relationship-based
    ~ diverse in race, religion, and spirituality
    ~ focused on the beauty of unconditional love and LGBT sexuality

    These stories explore the LGBT experience—romance can be a part of the stories, but the absolute focus is the spiritual change and growth that comes with acceptance and unconditional love.

All at once when I read that, I had a vision of this novel(la), of me (but of course not exactly me, but you know what I mean) and what could have happened. I've long struggled with my religion and spirituality, and can explore that fully in this work, which is so liberating. I remember having very heated, emotional discussions and arguments with my conservative boyfriend in college (same one who broke me apart post-divorce, but I can work through that in this work as well) about religion, to going through part of the discernment process about whether or not I'd been called to be a priest myself in my early 30s (Episcopalian), to feeling the spirituality of the Anglican music I was singing but feeling I was a fraud if I took communion, to at last now being at peace as an atheist, but one whose spirit is vast and boundless. Since this imprint writes of diversity in religion and spirituality, I'm hoping that a vague pagan after all of this more typical religious life will be included. And, if not, I'll publish it elsewhere. But there was something about that combination that has just brought this fantastic kaleidoscope of images and burgeoning relationship of a divorced woman who's been attracted to all sorts of people in a variety of body types (ie: pansexual or simply sexual) and finds herself drawn deeply to someone who perhaps is more at peace with herself than the protagonist is at first.

I'm loving starting on this story, I must say. :D I may consider posting sections in chunks as I did with my monk fic, so if people are interested on being on that filter, please let me know!
thrihyrne: (asian text)
[ profile] evannichols and I watched a video via Netflix titled "The Mystery of Eels" found via Nature. I'm delighted to let you know that it's available online here via PBS. While the narrator's voice wasn't ideal in terms of tone, nuance and the like, the narrator is a writer and artist, and as it turns out, this documentary is based on a book he published once this 'finding out more about eels' project became bigger than anticipated. Or it seems that it became larger than he'd anticipated. James Prosek is a naturalist and other things, and what struck me about the documentary was how engaging it was. Evan and I had selected it because 1) it was live streaming and 2) neither of us knew much of anything about eels. But because this guy James has an artistic approach to the topic, and brought in so much in the various locations (New England, New Zealand, Japan), I found myself quite surprisingly moved and it was poignant. Evan was similarly engaged (though with the narrator's not-made-for-narrating-voice, he'd apparently wanted to bail at first) for many of the same reasons. While it is a documentary about eels, it's mostly about people's interactions with them, lifetimes spent studying them, generations of people revering them and them taking on symbolic capture or freedom.

All of that to say: highly recommended. :)

And in very exciting news, I completed my first original fiction story. It's not the first one I started, but it's first one to be finished. YAY!! I know it will need some serious editing; this was definitely a first pass and was started months ago as a fic for the Harry Potter community. I veered away from that pretty quickly, but I'll need to be sure that the flow and pacing and characterizations are consistent since I worked on it off and on (a lot off) for the past 9 months or so. This gives me hope for returning to my monk fic, which was last summer's project, but hey. My printout is in its binder, ready for me to get back to it for a Grand Re-Read to remember all of the characters and probably take it in another direction as I didn't like what was going on where I'd stopped it.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
Had a long but very meaningful and social day yesterday. There was intense work (as in, Airbnb work), and going on a currently secret afternoon excursion that involved cleaning and tidying, laundry, and spending much-appreciated time with [ profile] evannichols's mother, Gwen, and then coming home and then going to a scumptiously social cookout at [personal profile] sanguinity and [personal profile] grrlpup's house and seeing the Maki family as well. Sang is an accomplished griller, and H. made amazing potato salad (I still need to get that recipe!) and meeting Nicole's young men in person was a delightful experience that I'll admit I didn't expect to feel to that level. I'm not much into other people's offspring in general (even my own siblings' children), and I haven't been around teenagers in… years?? Anyway, they were articulate, not-posing, independent souls and their genuine affection for each other and their parents was actually mind-blowing the more I think about it. Yay for a family unit that's healthy and respects everyone's individuality, and is effusive in affection.

As the years have gone on, I've recognized within myself (and also Sang has pointed out to me) that I don't really care about the pyrotechnics of fireworks and the sparkler bomb. It's true. I get nothing out of it. So this year, I enjoyed the food and companionship and conversation and social part of the evening and then came home to get in a run that I'd intended to have first thing Friday morning— except that I'd neglected to turn on my morning alarm at all so I overslept my ability to run before work. Oooops. I had a great run and then futzed around the internet looking at fun purple/wild orchid/lavender/magenta hair colors until it was time to go pick Evan back from the night's festivities. I was treated to bonus social time as everyone was still there! There was also ginger and caramel ice cream. NOMNOMNOM. And a second round of hugs, which was really wonderful to top it all off.

Even Mod Physique was cancelled so Jessa could have a holiday weekend, so I truly have nothing on my calendar. There are only a few things I plan to accomplish:
~ giving [ profile] emansil_12 a call
~ finishing my Reggie/Kelp story (only 1.5 scenes to go! then Grand Editing will commence)
~ doing a half hour or so of my favorite Mod Physique toning moves but no cardio today

and the usual of enjoying Evan's company and playing a helluva lot of Facebook games. :D
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
What a difference a week can make! The week after Evan's birthday was very challenging for me in my usual challenging way, but I got back on track with a renewed commitment to several months of working on staying in my own skin. This weekend was particularly wonderful; a Saturday both leisurely and social, including a very fun sushi dinner with [personal profile] grrlpup and [personal profile] sanguinity. I also started out the weekend with a really uplifting conversation Friday evening with [ profile] emansil_12. We don't usually talk at that time of day, but it was the perfect jumping off point for a positive and quite productive weekend. I worked Sunday but as part of that also managed to hand wash a couple of sweaters, scrubbed the bathtub, washed dishes, sewed on my owl culottes, and worked on my what I'm calling my Dreamspinner fic, but I may route it elsewhere once complete. We'll see. These days I'm feeling much more like my usual self, though yesterday I'll admit to feeling slightly manic because I felt so good physically and wanted to make up for lost time. The challenge of finding balance will probably always be with me, and that's okay. I'm still definitely in the reward phase of my life. :)

Oh, and my left shoulder is giving me issues again; this isn't the now-unfrozen shoulder, but a possible injury that's raising its head again. I'll need to be careful at Mod Physique this week.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
I don't know that I've ever done this, share 21 first sentences of stories I've written. I went to my flash drive to actually count up all of the fics I posted during my fanfiction years, and there were 172. So that made it challenging. To find a somewhat not-really random way to come up with 21, I put the list in reverse alpha order and picked every 8th story. What's humbling and a little worrisome is I wrote down one title and realized I had NO IDEA what fandom it was, much less what the story is about. I'll be interested to see. I'm also going to include word count since they'll be wildly different, I suspect.

So in the order I found them:

    1. It wasn't the night sweats Ron hated the most.
    ~ You and Me and the Rain Make Three, 3347 words, Ron/Draco, HP fandom

    2. The joyous black dog bounded around the kitchen, jostling some stray dishes from the morning's rushed breakfast off the edge of the table and crashing to the floor.
    ~ Unleashed, 5650 words, Remus/Sirius, HP

    3. Seamus was sitting at the countertop of his small kitchen surrounded by brightly coloured pieces of paper, when he sensed a flickering in his house wards.
    ~ These Hot Days, 5031 words, Seamus/Draco, HP

    4. It can’t be this easy.
    ~ The Essence of Black, 4561 words, Remus/Sirius, HP

    5. The trees moaned as their branches were tugged by a malevolent current.
    ~ Strife from the Furthest Prime, 10,751 words, Ron/Harry, HP

    6. Ah, he had missed this.
    ~ To Dwell in Lover's Eyes, 17,457 words, Amras/OCs, Silmfic

    7. "Ron! For Merlin's sake, wake up!"
    ~ totally don't know what title this actually has; on my flash drive it's titled 'ron&deanficforcallum', 4489 words, Ron/Dean (apparently, lol), HP

    8. "Fuck."
    ~ Passion's Acolyte, 3011 words, Cal/Swift, Wraeththu

    9. There. Another one down, Neville thought wearily, placing the newly-polished trophy next to the collection of gleaming silver awards he'd been subjected to clean for his detention.
    ~ Neville in Wonderland, an abandoned HP/Alice in Wonderland crossover

    10. George stretched out his arms and legs, basking in the warm Mediterranean sun.
    ~ Love's An Anarchist, 14,145 words, George/Remus, HP

    11. “Théodred! There you are!”
    ~ Kindly Winter's Gift, 2377 words, Théodred/OMC, Tolkien

    12. The feeling was there again.
    ~ How Close the Divide, 17,724 words, Ron/Draco, HP

    13. Nail in hand, align shingle.
    ~ Good Fortune of the Unlucky, 7348 words, Ron/Draco, HP

    14. Stars sang in a chorus of light against the night sky.
    ~ From Sand to Stone, 4172 words, Finduilas/Denethor, Tolkien

    15. This was to be a private drunk.
    ~ Farewell to the Impossible, 763 words, Ashmael, Wraeththu

    16. "So. How long before the scorpions arrive?" Cobweb asked, picking up a cup of tea with steady hands.
    ~ Desert's Fierce Kiss, 2747 words, Cobweb/Lianvis, Wraeththu

    17. Rexines strummed and plucked at his barbol while I waited to hear a familiar tune.
    ~ Swooping to Landward, 13,779, OMCs Colurastes/Froia tribes, Wraeththu

    18. Lee awoke to a familiar pungent musk.
    ~ Baby, You Can Drive My Car, 3707 words, Lee/Andrei, Slave Breaker fandom

    19. She was walking in part of the more unsavoury parts of town - near many of the public houses, bawdy language carrying clearly in the still, night air.
    ~ And Do All Such Good Works, 1491 words, Herith (OFC of Gondor) genfic, Tolkien

    20. Alexander was in good spirits; he and Hephaistion had spent all of their evening together by the fire, sharing common tales of their youth.
    ~ Sogdian Nights, 695 words, Bagoas/Alexander, The Persian Boy, by Mary Renault

    21. He was walking near the library, adjusting a clasp at his neck.
    ~ A Taste of Diplomacy, 3918 words, Denethor genfic, Tolkien

From these I'm not quite sure what to make of them. It might have been equally interesting to select 21 at equal points beginning when I first began writing until now, to see if they changed as my writing developed. I don't often seem to start with weather descriptions, nor dialogue. And when I do, it's to drop the reader in the midst of something. Other people's thoughts are welcome! You may see patterns that I don't. Some definitely 'hook' more than others, and definitely some would be helped by showing the first paragraph. An interesting exercise!! I do love my titles. I've come up with some really memorable ones.
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
I was just over reading LJ and got inspired to post myself. :) Yesterday morning I typed in the most recent few pages of my ofic story that will hopefully, eventually, be submitted to Dreamspinner Press once it's all said and done. I don't enjoy that I write in such fits and starts anymore, and it took typing in a few pages to get re-grounded and rediscover that thankfully there was a flow to it. This Wednesday is a sauna day, and my hope is that I'll be inspired as I usually am while lying quietly in the dry sauna, or sitting up in the steam sauna. I'm also being treated to time in a friend's hot tub after that, so it will be a day of healthy self-indulgence, especially since it starts out with getting to sleep in and then a Mod Physique class.

I'm trying to stay more in touch with friends; last week I wrote several short letters and sent cards and that always buoys my spirits. This week there are people I'm going to try to talk with on the phone— there's something satisfying about writing down these things on a to-do list and being able to check them off, all while enjoying the experience of actually reaching out to people I care about.

The super-complicated double-knitted, reversible vest for my brother is coming along! I've knitted 3" and have discovered, somewhat to my dismay, that while the really cool bat motif on the back is indeed the width I'd wanted, it's only going to be as tall as the armhole. :( Had I realized that, I would have done some motif for the bottom 4", the the bats, and then the remaining 4" so it would be centered. Oh well. I'll improvise. Once I get about halfway done with the bat motif I'll take photos as it really is going to be an eye-catcher. If only it didn't make me then think of other knitting ideas— I'm already swamped with them!! Ah well. I shouldn't be ungrateful for so much creative outpouring, even if it's not in the particular realm I want. ;)
thrihyrne: (plaidtastic)
My work trip to SF went incredibly well, I'm so glad to say. By my choice, I declined free beer, wine and other alcohol and didn't feel deprived. A welcome state of mind, to be sure.

Evan and I did something unexpected this Saturday morning; he came with me to Mod Physique and dropped me off and got the oil changed in his car while I took class. He then came by and met Jessa, the instructor, and got to see the studio where I've been going 5 days a week! Having a visual helps. :) Then we drove across state lines to go visit [ profile] winnett and pick up a free sewing machine! She's moving for the first time in 15 years and was ready to rid herself of some things she didn't use. Like this sewing machine, complete with its own case. She and I were talking at [ profile] snottygrrl's birthday party last month and Winnett either asked if I wanted a free sewing machine or if I knew someone who would— and since I've been machine-less since 2010, this sounded great. I've plugged it in and it does work, though I think it would help for me to find a booklet (if possible) to figure out the proper way to thread it, and it needs a tune-up. But I'm thrilled. A hand-me-across sewing machine of similar heft and style to mine that I'd had since 1988!!! :D

A ring also arrived that wasn't exactly designed for me to particular specifications, but was generally designed with some elements that I told this particular jeweler I liked, and I'm so smitten with the outcome. With a shop name like this, how could I not have been at least intrigued?

Pics would be linked below, but after spending way too much time on this, I'm linking to a Tumblr post I made so you can see the damn photos. I seriously tried to link into Photobucket, Snapfish, and Flickr as well, and couldn't get links to work. ARGH!! So here you go:

Oh, and I decided today to give up playing Candy Crush for the month of March. Instead, I shall endeavor to do other things, including working on my two fics. :P
thrihyrne: (asian text)
(posted originally to LJ)

I don't post very often here anymore, nor do I check as often, but this morning as I was doing so, I realized just how much I miss it. So, hello!! I did get in about a half hour or so of writing this past week, which just isn't very much. I keep thinking I'll take time and I nearly always decide to knit instead, or call someone, or just sit quietly play Candy Crush. This week is The Week Before I Have To Return to SF For Another Work-Required Visit. Last November was an absolute clusterfuck. This visit won't be, but I still have enough churning negative feelings about it to be savvy enough to have scheduled sessions with my therapist both before and after the trip. The days themselves for this summit will be absolutely packed from morning until night, so no hope of creative pursuits next week. It will be an endurance test, while trying not to see it as an endurance test, while trying to respect all of my emotions about being there, away from my support system, and not getting too snarky with colleagues or openly negative about many of my thoughts about upcoming changes I'm really very unhappy about. So this week is the week before that, and I'll try very hard to stay in the moment and not project forward. Easier said than done.

I did buy some gorgeous ombre patterned taffeta over the weekend and moved my altar so that it's no longer under a shelf. It looks and feels so right now; the space is open and the energies can breathe and disperse. That's how it seems to me, anyway. I've also consulted a pagan prayer book and selected and modified a few general prayers to memorize as ways to center myself. I'm learning that it's really obvious when my behaviors are in accordance with dharma. It feels right and flows organically and there's usually a lot of emotions that manifest themselves and then they pass. This is a far, far cry from hiding out in the relative safety of my head, and drinking down the feelings I didn't know how to deal with. I'm incredibly grateful to be on this side of those incredibly challenging years. Finally knowing that anger has been the source of so much of my self-sabotage has been empowering in a way I've never experienced before. It also helps that I've had plenty of therapy in recent years, and I've done a LOT of self-analysis, so I was in a place to accept this knowledge without judgment.

Huh. This really was just going to be about how I'm not writing yet, and still really intend to, but instead you get rather a thinky post about my journey. :)
thrihyrne: (Boromir life is good)
As part of my planned rest days/PTO after working the holidays, I've worked out at Mod Physique every day this week. This morning when the alarm went off, I realized I was dreaming I was in class! Funny. I also had a sauna/massage combo at Loyly, red velvet cupcakes have been purchased and eaten, and yesterday during a Portland group working day hosted by Airbnb, my colleague Bubut and I were completely unexpectedly sung to by our colleagues, and we each were presented with some kind of yummy looking pies with candles. All in all, pretty cool. :) There will be further celebrations tomorrow by going on a personal tour of the Hat Museum with [personal profile] grrlpup and [personal profile] sanguinity, and later on we'll celebrate another January birthday celebrant, [personal profile] snottygrrl. Very busy week and weekend, actually— much more frenetic than somehow I had initially imagined. [ profile] evannichols has Dude Night tonight, and I in turn am going to attend my first ever free clothing swap. So many activities!

I also took my pair of cowboy boots to Shoes on the Run downtown in order to fix a hole in the sole I hadn't realized was there until last month when my mom and stepdad were visiting and I wore them to Multnomah Falls. I normally don't go downtown (certainly not in a car and when I will have to park), but Tuesday became more complicated since Evan was trying to schedule in an appointment to see his chiropractor, and I had the car. Thanks to our handy neocortexes, I was able to go work out, drop off the boots, take the car to his work, have a quick visit with Evan, be walked to the nearest bus stop, and rode the bus home.

This weekend will mark the second of my two full sat/sun weekends, truly luxurious. I'll work Monday as it's a holiday (and I'm keenly interested in being paid double, thanks all the same) but then have Tues-Thurs off once more. This week is the anti-frenetic, not-so-focused-on-being-constantly-productive rest time. There will be movies and knitting, reading, and hopefully a lot of writing. Also moving my altar so that it's not on a shelf but can be open to space. It seems claustrophobic to me right now, so with the help of a couple of paper boxes and the acquisition of Kristi-selected fabric to cover them, my sacred space can be moved from under its overhang. It's all part of a very organic process that feels true to my path right now. I find I'm at last able to get out of my own way; I know I'm not struggling against the current of where to expend my energies. I'm cultivating gratitude and it's second nature. These are welcome felicitations. :)
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)

on writing

Dec. 10th, 2013 07:02 am
thrihyrne: (fuchsia books)
I'm reading this very-interestingly-written novel by Fiona Maazel titled Last Last Chance, and on page 176 I stumbled across this truism that really hit home for me, as spoken by a recently-deceased character:
    I once heard a writer say that though it's hard to get characters to perform basic functions without feeling like a jackass, it must be done. As he put it, "Even Proust had to open the window."

I've quite consciously in the latter years of my writing made sure that the characters did normal things like eat, go to the bathroom, be aware of time, pick up and put down pens/cigarettes/glasses. I just loved how this character in this novel phrased that.

Just wanted to share! Oh, and the book is quite the read. Maazel's style is quite unlike anything I've read before. Vivid and unexpected turns of phrase and descriptors. A lot of fun to read.
thrihyrne: (plaidtastic)
Since my last post, I realized that I have two stories that could be completed and submitted to this online press. One is the wholly unique monk story, but also an HP story I'd started in the summer for a fest, but didn't get very far in writing. I had most of it in my head, and I've recognized that I can change it up very easily in order to get it out of Rowling's version of magical and into something different. So I've begun revamping the first few thousand words and going in a more relationship-centric manner I'd shied away from when writing it for the fest because at that time, I'd decided to make it completely genfic. Now I can add some eroticism and make the new protagonist and his world unique enough that if there becomes a following, he can have other adventures in sequels. Not to project forward too much, lol.

But it's been great to be writing again, and getting re-engaged in this story line that I'd been excited for since the summer, but lost steam on. I'm writing! It feels great to have the characters come to life for me, rather than me having to poke at them to do something. I'm very, very happy about this development of events. My thanks again to [personal profile] snottygrrl for knowing how desperately unhappy I was in my prior work role and who volunteered me for this press in terms of being an able proofreader. I've done my quota and have let them know of my keen interest to do more in-depth editing, so we'll see about that in the future. :)

May 2016



RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 07:18 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios