Breaking from a potentially disastrous thought pattern

[thrihyrne]

Life is good. Last week was phenomenal, and as of this week I had a follow up meeting with the Executive Director of this community health center and they're going to hire me on as a consultant to do at least the first phase of my proposal to help them with their database or lack thereof and a fee of $x0 an hour. To be paid much closer to what I feel I'm worth per hour in a work environment has really done amazing things for my psyche. I feel so fucking competent, pardon my language. My original fic writing is going well, knitting is great, the Furious Flower director has a new project and wants me to stay here forever. Even the bill I got yesterday from my last hospital stint was taken care of because I had 100% financial assistance at the time, so they cleared out the remaining balance.

In the past, so much good stuff all at once usually meant that a rather traumatizing crash and burn occurred shortly thereafter. However, I don't see that happening this time. Maybe it's the Abilify, maybe being with my parents, maybe the willingness to not go to the place where I think the gods are looking down on me and are going to throw something really terrible my way as the payment for these positive things. I'm trying not to go there in my head, at any rate. Instead I think I've become a bit oddly superstitious. I mentioned that I'd felt I'd gotten in touch with some Guardians who had kept me from serious harm during my scary few days in February, and I'd come up with a gesture to not really invoke them, but much as making the symbol of the cross (or other symbols) is an act of invocation, or protection, or something, the gesture I have is for them. Perhaps it's because I'm so exceedingly grateful that so many things are going well, but I do make that symbol a couple of times a day. Maybe that's not so weird. It's a ritual, if a tee-tiny one.

So, off to beta and then walk the dog and later is Pilates with my mom and then knitting and watching Project Catwalk. Heh. I found the U.K. clone of Project Runway, woo hoo!!

Comments

[wiebke.livejournal.com]

Being happy used to always (OK, maybe only in my -mind-) presage huge crashes for me. There's a quote "Question why you are happy and you will cease to be so." It does seem the case that if you consciously realize "Oh, I'm so happy, this is so unusual, wow, what is this all about?" ... you will see that reality vanish. An annoying paradox.

Fortunately I seem able to sustain good moods much better than I used to. Things happen and I can do things so they don't -get- to me so much and so I don't take self-destructive action. Just because I screw up one thing doesn't mean I should go screw everything else up. I'm sure you know what I mean!

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

I do definitely know what you mean!! And yes, there's something to be said for simply letting the good things *be* and not reacting overmuch to one extreme or another. That's the element I'm learning now.

[persephone100.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that life is good and things are going so well for you!! And whatever helps you to realize that you're confident, competent and happy--be it Abilify, a ritual or whatever--I'm all for it!

I do believe in a higher power and that there are guardians (angels?) of some sort that help us humans out now and then.

Many congratulations on the job!! :D

*hugs*

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

I'm shocked at so much of it coming at once, but it is pretty tremendous to feel so positive. I do know my guardians had to work pretty hard there for a time, and they're still around, but they're working on other levels with me now. Or so I instinctively believe!

Thanks for the congrats! I'm going to learn so much with this database project. :D

[kenazfiction.livejournal.com]

Happiness is a good thing; we are-- all of us-- entitled to it. I don't know why this concept is so difficult to keep sight of, but I know that it is. It really, really is. May your guardians continue to shine a light on your path.

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, Kenaz!! I guess part of me feels as though it's entitlement, as you said, and that doesn't seem like a given. But I'll be grateful for what I do have, and my guardians don't seem to be going anywhere, thankfully!

[elfscribe5.livejournal.com]

Hey so glad that things are going well. Awesome about the job. Good news. You know you do not have to "pay" for good luck with bad luck. Hopefully, this will sustain for a while.
Hugs

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's pretty great! And no, I don't know about the not 'paying' for good luck; hence the very cognizant changing of thought patterns. It's not second nature!!

(((hugs)))

[mrsquizzical.livejournal.com]

yay for competence and good feelings. :)

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

Yay indeed!! I feel positively buoyant! :D