Solitude/Being An Adult

[thrihyrne]

I came across a quote this morning in the New York Times which really struck me: "…in his view adults live with the bitter knowledge that the most intimate contact, which promises to bring us closer to other people, instead too often serves to remind us that we can never escape from ourselves."
-Terrence Rafferty, about filmmaker Bernardo Bertolucci

I don't know that I can say much else about it except that it rang so true to me. I'm reading a book about solitude that had been recommended to me by a dear friend who also happens to be an ex-boyfriend from college. I yearn more and more for solitude, though within my own home, which is the problem. I want to have the house and cats and computer and yard and all that- but I want it to be mine alone. I live with the guilt of feeling somewhat deflated when my husband comes home, because it means I have to share. Or I can no longer just be who I am or do what I do. Not that he is censoring, it's just that I find that I thrive more in a solitary environment. Or perhaps it's more that I have found that I lose my patience more quickly when the opportunity for me to be alone is taken from me.

I really worried about that before going out to my dad's at Christmas. The thought of having my dad and stepmom around all the time was suffocating. At least within my own routines here I can count on some time by myself, but it's never enough. Never. Not even close.

Now, people who know me IRL [jensa, febobe] know that I'm an incredibly outgoing, sociable person. But as I've gotten older, or something (maybe the culmination of several years of being married and having stepchildren when I had never really planned on having kids, though I love my stepchildren dearly and told their doctor that on the phone yesterday [she was a bit surprised. 'I didn't know there was a stepmom!'] that I couldn't have birthed better children myself), I have found that I really miss being able to come home and have my own room, my own space.

I have always had roommates, but even then I had my own room, and times when my roommates would go out of town. My husband almost never has business trips.

I posted a few weeks ago about how raw I felt after my mom visited, and some of it had to do with recognising that some of these attributes that I have I've had since early early childhood. I would listen to favorite songs over and over and over again. This would drive anyone else insane, including some of said roommates. My college roommate and I had a deal: I wouldn't play Philip Glass when she was around, and she wouldn't play… something. Can't remember now. My mom couldn't send me to my room as punishment, because I would be happy as a clam there, self-entertaining. This is a trait I have (relatively unsuccessfully) tried to instill in my kids. From this book mentioned earlier (Solitude: A Return to the Self) comes this quotation: "Some children who enjoy the solitary exercise of the imagination may develop creative potential."

Well, DUH.

Back to the quotation. This is a Live Journal, not a blog (which husband uses as his outlet for creativity and attentive readership), so I don't wish to get all bogged down into minutiae about my life which is only of passing interest to you, my fellow fanfiction writers and friends.

Still. I suppose that what struck me about the quote from the paper is the underlying implication that intimate relations are sexual. In the past year I have read a LOT of slash fanfiction, and it has made me realise more than ever before that one's sexuality can be a very challenging, complicated, and ultimately indecisive attribute of one's character. And not necessarily that relevant to daily life.

Now I'm babbling. I've posted multiple times about the impact that my friend's suicide has had on me, and mostly, right now, it makes me mad. I remain unreconciled to the fact that I can't gush with her about the Prisoner of Azkaban trailer, because it wasn't until I received a copy of her funeral programme which was rife with Harry Potter images that I even knew how interested she was in it. (She was in Australia, I'm in the States, much to my chagrin.) GAH. She was a writer.

To be perfectly honest, I think that some of the mania I've had about my own writing has to do with her, because I wasn't a fanfiction writer or writer of any kind, aside from writing letters which I've done since grade school and still adore, until recently, and it makes me so frustrated that I can't share my works with her. Thankfully I have others with whom I can, and you all know who you are. My dear stepdaughter last night said that she really wants me to write something I can get published. She thinks I should write a young adult fantasy book. I protested, saying that it would never measure up to Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy (which emotionally wrenched me apart; gorgeous, unique, mind-bogglingly fabulous writing). "So what?" she replied. "Yours wouldn't have to be like that. But you need to write your own stuff."

The problem is that I enjoy writing my fanfiction. I had been gushing about two different stories I'm working on, and she continues with great patience to listen to me, and then gently reprimand me and tell me that I should be making money as a writer.

As if.

I suppose it isn't unheard of.

Comments

[helveticat.livejournal.com]

Hi there. I just wanted to let you know that you have an ally in SO many ways. I'm only 23, but I've been aching for the same solitude since forever, and it only seems to get stronger the older I get, and I feel guilty about it quite a bit, like I'm betraying my own humanity sometimes.

Anyway. Just to let you know you have a shoulder. If you ever need one. :-)

PS: If you ever get a chance to see (or maybe you already have) Bertolucci's "Besieged," I think you might like it. It's one of my absolute favorites, and speaks scores to that quote.

Re:

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your kind comments, licia! I guess it should say something that my husband proposed while we were on retreat at a monastery... *g* I haven't seen anything of Bertolucci's, being the film novice that I am. I'll see if our library carries it, with your strong recommendation.

[edrys.livejournal.com]

Hey, sweetie!

I sent a brief e-mail - more later re: what you've written here. as noted in e-mail, I can relate in a lot of ways to what you're saying.

Meanwhile I just had to share my birthday party with you. fileg posted it for me earlier today. I have it in my "Memories", listed as "My birthday party" - it's probably easier to find there than in fileg's LJ.

BTW the icon is her pressie to me. Very Rohirric, don't you think? :-)

Re:

[thrihyrne.livejournal.com]

I have it in my "Memories", listed as "My birthday party" - it's probably easier to find there than in fileg's LJ.

Hmmm... I went to your lj but couldn't find the memories section. Am I in the wrong place??

Very Rohirric, don't you think?

Yes indeed! Gorgeous! I'm going to make a new one for myself with the Weasley twins. *giggle*

Re:

[edrys.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I went to your lj but couldn't find the memories section. Am I in the wrong place??

Oh, dear... I'm sorry, Kristi. I'm still figuring out this LJ myself. *blush*

I thought because I flagged it for accessibility to my friends that you would see the link here.

Re: Memories

[edrys.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I went to your lj but couldn't find the memories section. Am I in the wrong place??

I finally figured it out *took me long enough* :-p

When you're on my LJ page look to the left and you'll see a link for "profile" - click on it. That will take you to the page with my "vital stats". ;-) At the top of the page you'll see three or four little icons - one is a heart and if you place your cursor on it the label "memories" will show. Click on that - since I've "friended" you it will show you my saved memories. The one labeled "My Birthday..." dated 2/01/04 is the one I told you about. I guarantee it will bring a smile to your face. :-)