The middle of the road

I was musing on a few things yesterday evening, about settling for a very unchallenging job, advanced worry/awareness of getting bored with my life (always a trigger for my 'liquid tolerance' desires coming to the fore), and feeling generally neutral and/or blah. Or that I'm being safe, but being safe doesn't feel like I'm doing anything remotely extraordinary. I'm just treading water, and yet still looking for people/the Universe to be showering me with greatness just for making good decisions. I guess I've just been getting down on myself over these feelings, with an ever-louder voice saying, "You're wearing your Big Girl panties. What? You want a cookie for that? Get over yourself. It's called adulting." But that voice is very negative.

This morning I had a revelation, however. It's really okay for me to be in a place of seeking camaraderie that is women-centric and as woo woo as I like. In no way does this mean that I'm giving up on doing more things outside of the apartment with Evan, but gratefully, he is incredibly understanding and is more than okay with me pursuing my own activities that are decidedly Kristi-soul-feeding-centric rather than things we'll both enjoy equally (or close to). I have issues along those lines of resentment from my first marriage, but at least I can recognize them for what they are. They aren't relevant to my current relationship and life. My brain continues to default to those initial neural pathways, to my displeasure. Back to positive stuff: I'm attending very Kristi-soul-feeding events in coming days, weeks and months! These include:

☆Aerial fitness and flexibility classes at The Circus Project
☆Lots of regular sauna
☆Shamanic healing and spirit animal session
☆Tama Kieves workshop
☆Face to face Women for Sobriety meetings on Mondays
☆Participating in my first Mystery Knit-A-Long with super vibrant, happy, locally-dyed yarns
☆Going to physical therapy, even though it will be out of pocket and probably close to $800-$1K by the time I'm done, but this elbow and shoulder pain has GOT to be dealt with

So… I suppose that things are very positive. Wish I could keep my psyche in that, "Hey! My life is going really well!" place, but apparently different forces are at work in my brain and heart. The truth is I'm doing well. It's my favorite time of year, and I'm making decisions that are good for me. I suppose, really, I'm winning!!