Bummed out

[thrihyrne]

I'm trying very hard not to do a large 'fuck you' to the Universe right now, as I'd gone so far in the interviewing/vetting process with a company I really thought wanted to bring me on, Squarespace. They declined my candidacy today after 5 process steps, and I admit to being more than a little heartbroken. I loved their office culture, their office location, and the thought of being able to learn so much about their beautiful website templates. *sigh* That it's so soon in my time being alcohol-free feels like a giant metaphorical carrot had been dangled in front of me, only to be yanked away and a big, "PSYCH!" yelled at me to challenge me in my earliest days of recovery fueled by Antabuse. On the plus side, Evan and I had a conversation last night and since I am committed to being alcohol free and staying on Antabuse, even if I have to order the fucking pills from India, instead of finding yet another place to hang out for a few months until I returned to the apartment, I'll be returning home next weekend. Having that stress resolved has made this disappointment much easier to put into perspective. Which is, "Squarespace's loss, someone else's gain." I'm not in desperate financial straits, and I have a skill set that someone else will need a drool cup to handle. It's just disappointing.

Comments

[febobe]

You are most welcome! <3

That voice will come back, but you're rehearsing, and preparing yourself. I don't know what it is to deal with alcohol use issues, but I know what it's like to have a brain trying to trick you into doing something utterly self-destructive. I still have thoughts about going off my meds sometimes. They morph. They aren't the same ones exactly which got me off them the last time, in 2011, but they're still around, the general voice behind them is, I mean. I don't talk about it a lot b/c it doesn't usually consume much mental energy at this point fighting them, b/c I've been doing hard work on it for nearly 7.5 yrs without going off, and that's strengthened (and heartened) me. I still miss day doses of Saphris and an occasional night dose, just due to scheduling issues, but I'm working on it. But I've not actually made choices to stop my meds since winter/spring 2011. All the same, I realize that I am going to be fighting that voice till the moment I take my last breath. So, in a small way, I know what it is to fight something like that, even if I don't really understand what kind of pain you live with trying to fight it. <3 And please know that I am cheering and praying so hard for you, and I love you, and I am so proud of you for getting back on the horse after the number of spills you've taken over the years. I know it's not always easy. But you are a fighter. <3 And so I am I. Kindred spirits, that's us. <3

*hugs snugs loves*