thrihyrne | Bummed out

I'm trying very hard not to do a large 'fuck you' to the Universe right now, as I'd gone so far in the interviewing/vetting process with a company I really thought wanted to bring me on, Squarespace. They declined my candidacy today after 5 process steps, and I admit to being more than a little heartbroken. I loved their office culture, their office location, and the thought of being able to learn so much about their beautiful website templates. *sigh* That it's so soon in my time being alcohol-free feels like a giant metaphorical carrot had been dangled in front of me, only to be yanked away and a big, "PSYCH!" yelled at me to challenge me in my earliest days of recovery fueled by Antabuse. On the plus side, Evan and I had a conversation last night and since I am committed to being alcohol free and staying on Antabuse, even if I have to order the fucking pills from India, instead of finding yet another place to hang out for a few months until I returned to the apartment, I'll be returning home next weekend. Having that stress resolved has made this disappointment much easier to put into perspective. Which is, "Squarespace's loss, someone else's gain." I'm not in desperate financial straits, and I have a skill set that someone else will need a drool cup to handle. It's just disappointing.

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I'm so sorry about the job. That must be so disappointing!

Thank you! It is, but perhaps it was a long shot from the beginning. They just had so many steps to their vetting and interviewing process and I thought for sure they were going to bring me on board. Their loss. There will be other opportunities. But thank you. Rather than a black pit of despair, I just had some magenta melancholy. ;)

I understand in a small way...I remember how frustrated I felt when my application for a job where I'd been a practicum student, a place I longed to return to, where they had the PERFECT opening for a CLINICAL LIBRARIAN, which was my main specialty...rejected me with a form letter that they hadn't even bothered to sign. No interview, nothing. I've also had jobs that I really wanted and got much further along in the process with fall through too. And I understand it is so very painful when you are trying so darned HARD to do everything RIGHT and make your life work, and you've worked so hard and are still working so hard, and...then...THIS. Like a gut-punch. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.

But I want to say how very proud I am of you for committing to Antabuse-fueled recovery on your terms, being alcohol free. I know this is so hard for you. But know that you are doing the Right Thing, for yourself and for those you love, like Evan. I was so, so proud to read of you making that decision. And I am so very glad you will be returning home, which should be something you read as a HUGE carrot put in your hands. :) This is something you are helping make happen with your commitment, something you can be really proud of.

The people who won't be able to pass you by are out there. :) It just may take a little bit to find them, that's all. <3

*hugs* It's okee to be disappointed. Just don't let it win by driving you back toward alcohol. B/c that's what the alcohol wants, and it's not driving this bus, YOU are. :) And you are strong enough to do this. And needing help from Antabuse is not a sign of weakness...the fact that you KNOW you need the help is a sign of STRENGTH. :)

I'm praying for you, sweetpea. Hang in there. <3 I love you. (And PS - if you can't read my entries here, let me know. I granted you access and subscribed to yours, so we should be all good now.) *huuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs*

Thank you so much for all of these thoughts, prayers, and kind words!! I feel so great now that I don't even want to drink, but I don't doubt that voice will return. Having the Antabuse in my system is a huge relief, though. It's allowing me to deal with disappointment and not drink at it. This will be a skill that comes in handy, along with being able to celebrate and have the happy emotions without heightening them as well. ((((hugs))))

You are most welcome! <3

That voice will come back, but you're rehearsing, and preparing yourself. I don't know what it is to deal with alcohol use issues, but I know what it's like to have a brain trying to trick you into doing something utterly self-destructive. I still have thoughts about going off my meds sometimes. They morph. They aren't the same ones exactly which got me off them the last time, in 2011, but they're still around, the general voice behind them is, I mean. I don't talk about it a lot b/c it doesn't usually consume much mental energy at this point fighting them, b/c I've been doing hard work on it for nearly 7.5 yrs without going off, and that's strengthened (and heartened) me. I still miss day doses of Saphris and an occasional night dose, just due to scheduling issues, but I'm working on it. But I've not actually made choices to stop my meds since winter/spring 2011. All the same, I realize that I am going to be fighting that voice till the moment I take my last breath. So, in a small way, I know what it is to fight something like that, even if I don't really understand what kind of pain you live with trying to fight it. <3 And please know that I am cheering and praying so hard for you, and I love you, and I am so proud of you for getting back on the horse after the number of spills you've taken over the years. I know it's not always easy. But you are a fighter. <3 And so I am I. Kindred spirits, that's us. <3

*hugs snugs loves*

Alcohol-free is the only way to truly recover and regain who you *really* are under there. It's ugly and hard, but I'm glad you have found the way that works for you.

And the Universe at the moment is in this huge snit of granting some things, then giving you a smack around the next corner. You are not the only one going through this, trust me.

::hugs::

Thank you so much for your kind words. Regaining myself at this age is more than a little daunting, but also necessary. I've also plugged back into the online Women for Sobriety community and discovered that now there's a weekly meeting super close to me that's face to face! Very excited about that addition.

The Universe gifted me with a different job right down the street, plus I currently qualify for Medicaid. That means that the called in prescription for Antabuse from the detox facility I went to up in Washington last month (versus having to spend many dollars to see the psychiatrist resident at OHSU as they don't accept Medicaid and he said I'd need to see him before he could prescribe it to me) went from being $131 out of pocket to $0. I am so grateful for the resources that I have.

((((hugs back))))

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