Oh that was a superb piece of fanfic in every way. You obviously really thought through the canon material and reinterpreted it in ways that made sense and caused me to think, yes, this is right, and you did so with poetic, original language, interesting plot, engaging characters and setting - oh and not to mention just smooshing up my heart there at the end. Arggg.
I like that you started out light with the humor of the three of them playing in the pond and then relaxing in post-coital bliss (that was a hot little moment with Vaysh fondling Parallax)but at the same time conveying information about picking a tribal name and hopes for the future. I liked that through the story Ash slowly accepts his great love for Vaysh, even though he has some conflict because he believes that to be a true har, he isn't supposed to feel the way he does. Little does he know that the true cost of losing his soul mate is not that he will be less harrish but that he will lose what matters most in life and he will not be whole as a result. I liked the friendly bets that masked the deeper meaning behind the little test of whether or not Vaysh would also get a tattoo and liked that Vaysh rose to the occasion. Then their moment when they decide to create a harling that is interrupted by Thiede - that was some nice foreshadowing and also made Vaysh becoming barren as a result of Thiede's experimentation even more devastating. Such regrets about what might have been. Vaysh, I'm sure will acutely realize how much happiness and fulfillment he has lost as a result. I liked that Thiede tries to mask his interference by elevating the intensity of the aruna - almost as if he's a magician pulling a sleight of hand, 'pay no attention to the man behind the curtain' but focus on this instead. It is an excellent characterization of Thiede, who can "grease the wheels of life itself." I think you have him nailed and I'm quite impressed. I don't know that I would have come up with that little distraction. I also like that your Ash doesn't buy it and realizes right away who is manipulating him. Your Ash is smart. I like smart characters. And he doesn't like being manipulated. "I felt battered and ravaged, chewed up and most importantly, warned." You're right, you'll have to reconcile that characterization somehow when you write in Ash's head again.
I also loved your poetic use of words, like: "winter had just curled its frosty toes into the ground" or "wilds of plum and musty shadow" or "clad in hard shells of ice." Again, you had that little foreshadowing of Vaysh slipping before the limb falls on him and the ice storm with ice encasing all the living things also beautifully foreshadows what will happen to Vaysh. And then oh that whole death scene is just so agonizing and well done. I appreciated the epilogue too - the very vivid and emotionally true account of Ash's attempt to heal from such a terrible loss, his need to get away from the place that was "filled with the spirits of his innocence" and his transformation to Ashmael Aldebaran, General of the Gelaming. Your final sentence really got to me. It shows simply and powerfully that Ash was just as burned by this experience emotionally as Vaysh later becomes physically. Ash is now a shell of what he once was - the innocent and trusting lover. "Once upon a time, I loved." *cries*
My comment got too long - heh - so it is continued below.
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I like that you started out light with the humor of the three of them playing in the pond and then relaxing in post-coital bliss (that was a hot little moment with Vaysh fondling Parallax)but at the same time conveying information about picking a tribal name and hopes for the future. I liked that through the story Ash slowly accepts his great love for Vaysh, even though he has some conflict because he believes that to be a true har, he isn't supposed to feel the way he does. Little does he know that the true cost of losing his soul mate is not that he will be less harrish but that he will lose what matters most in life and he will not be whole as a result. I liked the friendly bets that masked the deeper meaning behind the little test of whether or not Vaysh would also get a tattoo and liked that Vaysh rose to the occasion.
Then their moment when they decide to create a harling that is interrupted by Thiede - that was some nice foreshadowing and also made Vaysh becoming barren as a result of Thiede's experimentation even more devastating. Such regrets about what might have been. Vaysh, I'm sure will acutely realize how much happiness and fulfillment he has lost as a result. I liked that Thiede tries to mask his interference by elevating the intensity of the aruna - almost as if he's a magician pulling a sleight of hand, 'pay no attention to the man behind the curtain' but focus on this instead. It is an excellent characterization of Thiede, who can "grease the wheels of life itself." I think you have him nailed and I'm quite impressed. I don't know that I would have come up with that little distraction. I also like that your Ash doesn't buy it and realizes right away who is manipulating him. Your Ash is smart. I like smart characters. And he doesn't like being manipulated. "I felt battered and ravaged, chewed up and most importantly, warned." You're right, you'll have to reconcile that characterization somehow when you write in Ash's head again.
I also loved your poetic use of words, like: "winter had just curled its frosty toes into the ground" or "wilds of plum and musty shadow" or "clad in hard shells of ice."
Again, you had that little foreshadowing of Vaysh slipping before the limb falls on him and the ice storm with ice encasing all the living things also beautifully foreshadows what will happen to Vaysh. And then oh that whole death scene is just so agonizing and well done. I appreciated the epilogue too - the very vivid and emotionally true account of Ash's attempt to heal from such a terrible loss, his need to get away from the place that was "filled with the spirits of his innocence" and his transformation to Ashmael Aldebaran, General of the Gelaming. Your final sentence really got to me. It shows simply and powerfully that Ash was just as burned by this experience emotionally as Vaysh later becomes physically. Ash is now a shell of what he once was - the innocent and trusting lover. "Once upon a time, I loved."
*cries*
My comment got too long - heh - so it is continued below.