thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Default)
So now my novella has been out for a couple of weeks. I know I have a lot of fandom friends who'd showed interest and support, but at this juncture, I know of precisely one person who has read the finished version and let me know that she read it. That's my stepmom. I don't know if people are reading it and just don't want to tell me their thoughts, or they're interested but it's not on their list yet, or if people are supportive but not interested in reading it. According to my ticker on Dreamspinner, I'm up to 17 sales. Whether those are the ones directly via Dreamspinner or a total of all outlets, I'm honestly not sure. I should find out. Still— I guess I'm not used to so little feedback, or not in a long time. It's made me less motivated to finish up the sequel, even though I believe it's much stronger. Anyway, the confusion and feelings of disappointment will pass, I'm sure. It is what it is. I'm grateful that I've gone through this process from beginning to end and I've learned a lot.
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
One of the very positive effects after my last trip to SF was that I took advantage of my work's Employee Assistance Program. They referred me to a therapist who has turned out to have been the only one in the last seven years to really help me get to the bottom of my inexplicable decisions. It's primarily anger based, but is also triggered due to anxiety/stress, feeling trapped and/or constantly monitored, and being defensive. Mostly anger, which wasn't really expressed in my family of origin, and thusly I've never known how to deal with it when it happens around me, and I've been mostly clueless when I've been feeling it myself. Hindsight for this major revelation has been profound, seeing most of my self-sabotage and fast-sinking spirals through a lens recognizing that I was usually livid, but either didn't or couldn't recognize it for what it was. So I drank it down, as that had become my go-to method for coping. There are doubtless healthier ways, and I'm actively exploring those. Given the erratic, chaotic and non-empowering environment I'm in thanks to my employer, doubtless I'll have many opportunities in the future to figure out ways to experience these feelings and cope in ways that don't end up with me in a stupor.

This is all very positive— perhaps even overwhelming in how empowered I've felt about this for really the first time. It also means that I'm going to be holding myself to a very high standard of self-honesty. That, in and of itself, is somewhat anxiety-generating, but if I look back at what I've gone through since 2005, being honest with myself could seem like a proverbial walk through the park. Certainly the toll should be less. As I was driving home from my second session with my new therapist, Lily, I came up with the idea to keep a small notebook with me (which I already do) and to check in with myself regularly and get out of my head and really try to figure out what I'm feeling. This is easier to do during my workdays as I have regularly scheduled breaks, but it's becoming easier to do all the time. I've used my head as a 'safe' retreat for years now, and becoming more in tune with what I'm feeling, even if I think I'm feeling neutral or uninvolved or whatever, has been an empowering exercise. I'm very often grateful, and content, and feel safe. There's also a lot of feeling listless and uninspired, depending on the time of day and what I'm doing. But this past Saturday morning, driving home after my workout, I realized I felt triumphant and unstoppable— not something I'd want to experience all the time, but I was grateful to be able to recognize it within myself.

I can pretty much definitively say that my Years of Suck are over. 2014 may be the year of all the feelings. :)
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
short summary of last week )

the talisman )

other stuff )

I'll leave this rambling post with a quote from a book I finished yesterday: "True nobility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be."
~Wayne Dyer
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Celtic)
I've been reading and thoroughly enjoying Stephen Fry's second autobiography (the first one was such a joy to read and this one is just like it; his writing style oozes his personality, at least as far I've been exposed in his various shows and documentaries and the like), The Fry Chronicles, and he wrote something about himself that could have been written for me.

    Which is not to say that I am lazy or unambitious in the short term. You might say I am good at tactics but hopeless at strategy, happy to slog away at whatever is in front of me but unable to take a long view, plan ahead or imagine the future. A good golfer, they say, has to picture his swing before he addresses the ball in order to drive. My whole life has been an adventure in hit and hope.

:nods:

That's me! One of the questions I anticipate but least enjoy in a standard interview is, "Where do you hope to see yourself in five years?" My honest answer is: "Alive, healthy and content."

Another thing about Stephen Fry is that even though people tell me I have an extensive vocabulary, I have nothing on him. I've been writing down and looking up words left and right, which brings me perhaps undue joy. Two words which have sauntered into my life (hopefully come to stay in my rememberable vocabulary) are: lucubrating (from Stephen) and crepuscular (I think from Robertson Davies). Words can be so delicious. :)
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Fucschia books by me)
Total author self-indulgence. Don't read if not into such. ;)

1) You've written in many different fandoms. What is it about each fandom that interested you enough to write fanfic? Is there an overall theme or themes that you like to explore that go across the fandoms? Is there a fandom that tempts you but you haven't investigated yet?

I started out in Tolkien after a fellow fan introduced me to it. She was on the academic side, and I came to it from there. I was actually writing a paper on fanfiction writers when I began writing fanfic. I was obsessed by how many 'voiceless' characters there were in Tolkien's world, and it was the Rohirrim who caught my imagination. How I jumped from there to HP fandom involves slash. I wanted to challenge myself, and wrote HP fanfic when I'd only read two of the books, I think. By then I was no longer a naive fanfiction writer; I'd presented a paper and had discovered what it was like to be somewhat well-known in one fandom and then go to another where I might as well have been Eve's housecat= nobody knew me. I was convinced I'd never write in another fandom, and then I was introduced to Wraeththu, and I threw up my hands. I couldn't not write there. Then Slave Breakers, a first in that it was another author's original fic. Across the board, I like to get into the heads of lesser-known/lesser-written-about characters. The themes I think I tend to explore, at their crux, is the fallibility of the characters. That's what resonates to me. I'd love to write in Wicked Gentlemen. The only problem is that writing anything of substance would almost be another novella within the cannon, and I know I'd not like to do that. But AUGH. Her creativity is amazing.

2) What do all your red-headed characters have in common. If anything? LOL.

They're redheads. I've been obsessed intrigued by redheads since my earliest years. Personality has nothing to do with it. It's that they've had something I wanted, at the pith of my being. Hence why I've colored my hair since I was sixteen.

But they're all fallible. It's a trend, lol.

3) How did you come upon the Wraeththu community? (Where we first met) And what was it about the Ashmael/Vaysh combination that inspired you to write their story?

When I moved to the house I lived in in Verona, Callum sent me the initial trilogy as a housewarming gift. I read, I freaked out= 'must write fanfic'. Found small LJ community. Found small other community, now routed into Forever Wraeththu. WROTE.

Ashmael/Vaysh seemed like a huge gapfiller that not that many authors had covered. I approached it with a Tolkienesque attitude, making sure that there weren't some Big Names™ who'd already written about these two and was surprised (coming from both Tolkien and HP) that there weren't dozens of takes on their background. So I placed their initial community at my alma mater in a post-apocalyptic world, and ran with it. I didn't feel as comfortable in Ash's skin as Vaysh's, but at the time, it was just a huge sandbox in which to play.

4) You are writing a new original story. What drew you to the particular setting (a monastery) and the characters you are developing? Do you know what's going to happen or are you feeling your way as you write?

The concept of the OC in a monastery just came to me. The initial idea I had looks almost nothing like what I'm writing now, however. I don't know what's going to happen. In fact, I did have an idea of exactly what was going to happen, which formulated the three tenants of their religion, and now they've gone and developed their own personalities, and my idea has gone totally out the window. Now I honestly have no idea how it will end. I know what's going to happen in the next scene. Beyond that, however, I have to wait for them to tell me. It's a bit creepy, in a way, since they're all elements of my own [sub]conscious, and they keep doing things I didn't expect.

Thanks for asking. ♥
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (soulwanderer in Scotland by me)
So I had an enlightening visit with [livejournal.com profile] persephone100. As before, we had a lot of conversation, delicious food, and this time we read aloud from stories we're working on. And I colored my hair! Should have taken pictures. It's very vivid, a Tori Amos color red. *g* It's a true friend who lets you do that in her/his house, plus we're able to talk about all sorts of things, leading me to some self-awareness I'd not had before. The weekend was slightly marred due to some miscommunication between my parents and myself, but we're talking through things.

Now I'm back in the 'burg, focusing more on the database consulting project toward the end of the week, I do believe. The end of the 1994 conference video editing is in sight, and while I'll be much faster working on the one from 2004, I need to spend some serious time creating this database, it being a paying gig and all that. And I'm going to England in three weeks, still have half of the plane ticket to pay for, and don't want to be obsessing about money. So... lots of me working in Access over the next few weeks!! Speaking of that trip, I'll be able to visit Callum again and then will be going to Cardiff. I've had only the privilege of day trips to Wales, so this time I'm going to spend 4 nights there. Doing what I don't know, though I suspect I can get some tours to castles and the like. I don't suppose anyone on my flist is in Wales, are you??

For those who've been reading along on my original fic, sorry for the lag but I've been focused on the Hector/Lord John story and Wraeththu one. But there'll be another post soon.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (love knits)
No, the topics aren't really related (though I do knit when I watch PR on my computer).
Read more... )

Yay for knitting!

The thought about Project Runway is that I was watching the show that's the third from the last, I believe. They let two people compete for the 3rd spot, and Tim Gunn went to visit all of the finalists, meet their family and/or significant others, see their collections in progress, that stuff. SPOILERS if you've not seen episode 13 So the one who won the 3rd spot to go to Bryant Park (Mila Hermanovski) is someone whose personality I didn't like at first, but seeing her in her environment, introducing Tim to her boyfriend and parents and that she's 40 with a chance to move beyond costume design to her life's dream of being a clothing designer— it was really moving. It took me until last night to be struck by why that was. I'm 40. We're the same age! That seems impossible in many ways, but my passport and birth certificate indicate otherwise. She just seems so much more savvy, more self-aware than I could hope to be. But perhaps with these lifestyle moderations and the new meds will free me to do that. It's a thought! So now to watch episode 14 and knit some more on the cardigan. :)
thrihyrne: (K is for Kristi)
The scary thing is, in 5th grade, having seen Superman (I think I must have, anyway), I told my friends that I was from another planet. I picked Neptune. I said I was from there and my parents' space ship had crash landed in New Orleans, hence why my birth certificate was from there. In order to provide proof of this alien background, I got some waxed paper, drew squiggles on it in pencil, crumpled it up, and then took it in to school and told my close friends that I'd found it in my mother's dresser drawer, as though she'd hidden it away.

Alien writing.

OMG. That was before I even really knew about science fiction, or fantasy (beyond Lewis' Narnia series which I knew backwards and forwards). But evidently I've always been creating interesting alternative lives for myself. :P

Your Name Comes From Neptune
You are able to adapt to any situation, surroundings, or groups. You are highly flexible.
You tend to hang back and observe before you show your cards. Because of this, you are often seen as mysterious.

You are very intuitive and sensitive. You have a deep understanding of the world, even though the world doesn't understand you.
At times you feel like you could be psychic. You read people that well.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (brain chaparral)
From one of my fellow part-time, temporary Opera fund raising buddies:

    Metaphysics makes a bad breakfast.

Happy New Year, all who haven't experienced it yet. I'll be spending some time with friends this evening, but to be candid, I really want to curl up and read or write; just not feeling particularly social. I did dress festively today to go to the Oregon Workforce office and then the Opera. It seemed to have worked; I got two decent donations during my 3 1/2 hours of calling, which was a pleasant feeling. I just want to cocoon now, though, but I feel obligated to be out for a little while, plus I need to use a friend's printer so I can mail in the third of three applications I was screened for this morning. Ah, my exciting life. I don't want to mull over this past year, I think I've done enough navel-gazing through the many myriad changes and would rather just Be Here Now as it were, or look forward. I've looked back so often in my life and bemoaned the fact that I don't seem to learn anything, but I suspect I'm being a bit harsh.

:drinks coffee:
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (trees in mist)
I've had a rough week; many of you know that. For all of you who gave me encouragement and support: thank you. I felt unable to deal with the stress of doing emergency roadside assistance with only 3 weeks of training and my truly crash course in Oregon geography, much less the other states for which I'd have been taking calls. There were other issues as well; investments in a trip that perhaps I shouldn't have made, but I'm coming to terms with the new reality of it and the person I won't get to see, and getting all of my financial ducks in order. I've also applied to a slew of administrative positions, at universities and elsewhere. I worked on the Ithiel-fic and the second part is much improved; I'll be consulting with the lovely [livejournal.com profile] freestylerocker as to how to do this since the other integral part is her art. I hope we'll post it at some point in the next month. In the meantime, it's back to [livejournal.com profile] callumjames' long-neglected fic, and/or continuing on with the early-era Sulh-centric fic I've started.

Part of me ponders making this a fic-only LJ, but I really don't want that. I've been on LJ for many years, and I keep up with so many of you via this format, oftentimes supplemented with phone calls and letters. I also have felt that my LJ was a haven to post some of my deepest (or self-deprecating, or joyous, or frustrated, or loving) thoughts, and over the years, many people on my flist have told me that s/he resonated to what I'd said about my real life, my inner landscape, the me beyond my writing. I've used this metaphor more times than I'd wished over the past three years, and it comes from the book of Job in the Hebrew Bible, about facing the gates of great darkness. I don't believe that I suffer from depression, though I may well have some anxiety issues— it's the inner tape loops of psychological self-abuse and wondering in many ways where they came from that has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me down. So I've become focused, yet again, on the need to consciously create some new neurological pathways, and working on them with the same obsessive passionate fervor that I've pursued other things in my life, but writing most recently. One of these days I'll again unleash my inner fervent Dwarf rather than the inner Vulcan. Oh, and there's that whole elusive balance concept, but nothing like that comes quickly.

To lighten this up, since I was out and about in Portland today [again, I should remind myself that it's not just anyone who could pack up her life in ten days and move across country and be determined to succeed, despite the tripping and falling I've made along the way] while I was in the parking lot at Fred Meyer I saw two somewhat-Goth men, all pale skin, skin-tight black jeans and short-sleeved black t-shirts glued onto their thin frames, obligatory black hair. Oh, and some tattoos. Drinking colorful smoothie-looking drinks and chatting animatedly about something. They were compelling and gorgeous to me; I couldn't keep my eyes off of them as I parked my shopping trolley in a designated area.
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (Fiery Miranda)
I just took a really hot walk to the closest post office to post my resume, references and cover letter for an Alumni & Development Assistant position at Reed College. They're literally just down the road, down 39th. My first job out of college was as an A&D assistant, so I'm hopeful. I took back roads this time and went around a Jesuit Novitiate center, which tugs at part of my spirit in ways that might seem odd if you don't know my past.

Thev and monasteries )

It's really freaking hot. The yards of the houses I passed during my walk are all burned to a crisp. This is surely atypical weather, but goodness knows. I've experienced a few ebbs and flows of weather cycles in the few weeks I've been here, so this, too, will pass I'm sure.

The sundry... I got a library card today! Yay. So now I have The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay as a book on tape (it was given to me a few years ago by a former Nashville Opera coworker who said that it reminded her of my writing [she'd read some of my Tolkien fanfic] but I've never gotten into it and gave it to the used bookstore gent in Harrisonburg when I moved), a documentary on kids aging out of foster care, and "The L-Word" third season on DVD. No, I've not seen seasons one or two, either. :P I have no idea what I'll think of it; I'd have preferred to find Queer As Folk, but identifying as essentially pansexual, I thought it would be interesting to give it a try as I lounge here and sweat in front of my computer. There's no A/C in the house, which actually suits me fine. I actively dislike air conditioning and never use it in my car. I've been writing up a storm of drabbles— HP, Wraeththu and Swordspoint— and will probably sink my teeth into a new Wraeththu fic... or I may watch my DVDs. ;)

May 2016

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