thrihyrne: (Boromir life is good)
April 29th! Lookie, lookie: direct link to my book

This is so wild, and so weird in many ways. Most of the folks I've come into contact with via the Dreamspinner Yahoo group are authors full time, so sales are very important. I work full time already, so this for me has been more an experiment to see if I could get something out there that wasn't fanfic. I'm very grateful to be starting down this path, but this first Reggie/Kelp pales to some of my visceral, angsty fanfic that I remain particularly proud of. On the other hand, you've got to start somewhere.

As the only positive side-effect to the highly detrimental insomnia I've been experiencing due to a particularly wretched detox (2 hours total over the last 3 nights. I've had sleep-deprivation hallucinations before and I'm going to be sure to get something over the counter that will assure that I sleep tonight) is that last night I was musing over the Reggie/Kelp sequel and had so many thoughts about it that I got up to write them down. New characters. Scenes. In fact, the entire story arc is now done in my head, which is a bit surprising. That's not usually how I write, and it could be that the characters surprise me along the way, which is always fun. Given where I see it heading, I've already written about a third of it, and now that I'm excited about it again, I hope to begin writing on it regularly. It was difficult to do when I kept getting edits and then a proof and other things from the original to work on, but it's all out there now.
thrihyrne: (thistle)
I'd hoped/planned to sleep in today, but I wasn't able to get back to sleep after Evan left at 6:50. I lay in bed, and was again plagued and somewhat assaulted by memories, and not glowing, cheery ones. The years of 2005-2012 were by far the most traumatic in my life. Conversely, they were also by far the most productive in terms of my writing output, averaging around 200K words a year of fanfiction until 2010. I think I was in a state of permanent escape for much of that time, adrift and untethered from much of my own daily reality, anchored instead by the stories and characters whose lives I could control much better. And I cared about them more than my own, which often seemed petty, futile, and distressing. So why am I having all of these flashbacks now, when my life is based far more firmly in reality, when I have a devoted, loving life partner who cherishes me? I think much of it may have to do with my work, which remains primarily a realm of frustration, despair, tedium and a pervasive feeling of having no control. Is there something in my psyche that misses the drama from before? Even the drama of the rush of writing prolifically, of getting positive feedback from readers and writers and thriving on the weave and weft of lives and characters whose stories begged me to write them?

I suspect I will always have the drive to be producing, whether writing or knitting or letters or being otherwise always engaged in something. And yet, I want to nurture a cultivation of desiring peace and balance and contentment. What I don't want is this unpleasant marching of images of decisions made and unpleasant experiences from those 7 years. Maybe some kind of ritual letting go is in order.

I'd been planning to start a four week trial at a place called Mod Physique today, but the deal I got for it lasts through March of 2014 and I realized yesterday that I wanted much less structure for today. So to temporarily banish some of the demons, I'm planning a trip to my favorite Goodwill with no time limit to browse. Then off to Fabric Depot to buy the lining fabric for my assymetric corrugated sweater and buttons for the cardigan I'm working on now, then a quick trip by my former housemates on 79th. This evening at 7 o'clock I have my MRI scheduled, so it will end up being a full day, but with plenty of time for me to do what I wish and have solo time- outside of the apartment. I'm really looking forward to it. It also really helps that it's autumn, and grey, and overcast and sweater weather. That buoys my spirits in and of itself.
thrihyrne: (Oregon lover)
I'm on the cusp of going on my first actual holiday/vacation type thing in about a year. Evan and I are going to Rockaway Beach, Oregon, tomorrow, staying in a large beachhouse with his parents, sister Arwen & family, and brother Dana & wife & daughter & granddaughter. I'm really looking forward to spending time at the beach, and sleeping, and doing some social things, and having a lot - lot - of downtime. :) There will be internet and phone and such, but I'm determined not to check work email at all and to put that part of my life completely on pause while I'm gone. I suspect it will be easier said than done, but I'll try to make it happen.

I printed up my Wraeththu novellas to bring with me to re-read and edit, and it makes me feel a bit odd that I've committed to doing this. I've never revisited any completed work of mine for a serious edit like this before, and I'm uncertain as to how the process will go, if I'll be appalled or if I'll enjoy reading it, if I'll be overcome by memories of what my life was like when I wrote them, and of the initial major overhaul/edit/rewrite from 2009. Hard to say. Hopefully it won't be traumatic or demoralizing. I'm also bringing my notebook to work on my Charliefic which I haven't written on in a couple of weeks. I suspect I'll get a bunch done on that while on break. This will be a very different situation from Evan and me going away together… although now I realize Evan and I have not actually had a holiday together yet, just the two of us. The trips we've made since we've been a couple have all been with our families— and we like our families, but I've just made a verbal commitment that after this trip and the one in September to go to Wenatchee to spend the better part of a week with my dad and stepmom, we will take our next trips just the two of us. I'm pretty sure that our five days together with his family (absent one sibling and progeny) will be just fine. As he pointed out, they are a family of introverts. But I bring with me from my own family of origin (at least to do with my mother) a sense of dread about doing my own thing and being seen as asocial and trying to isolate myself. I believe that there will be a healthy balance of doing my own very-much-needed-downtime activities (reading, editing, writing, reading, knitting and dicking around on the internet, walking, jogging on the beach, sleeping) and group meals, some organic conversation, and working on puzzles. Some of my worries are because I've only spent short periods of time with these folks (2 days) except for his sister Arwen and family, who I know well from when Evan lived with them. I'm probably worrying unnecessarily, but I articulated all of this to Evan and he (unsurprisingly) was very understanding.

So I'll have my computer and will definitely still be online, and hopefully quite productive while also being a lazy, lazy person. :)
thrihyrne: (meditation rocks)
It's been a challenging couple of weeks. Work continues to be a variety of things, including disheartening and perhaps a short-term environment for me after all. More details in a day or so in a non-public environment, just in case.

But! In very exciting news! Under the cut is a new and up-to-date photo of yours truly with my new haircut and haircolor, for however long it lasts. Will be fun for Steamcon. Speaking of that, I'm actually sewing again, for the first time since 1988 on a sewing machine other than my own.
see here! )

I don't know if anyone else on my flist has made anything from a Folkwear pattern. My assembly is further along than in the picture; I can almost try them on. I'll be sporting them at Steamcon, though I'm not sure with what.

If you'd like to see the other pictures in the set that [livejournal.com profile] evannichols took during a mini photo shoot from the 17th, they are here.

I hope you all are well! Sorry so quiet on my end. Sorting through things.
thrihyrne: (knitting cable lover)
I woke up at 3:52 a.m. and at 4:20 gave up and got out of bed. I'd found myself thinking about my potential self-employment project and became newly excited/inspired/motivated and so I got out of bed to do some sketches and other things. Being awake and all, I figured I'd post about my thoughts on it. I had a radical one, which was rather than spending a lot of time job hunting for something 'conventional,' I could continue on that conventional path for the remainder of this month and then give myself two or three months to focus on this enterprise. If I could support myself working from home with this, it would be money well invested. Aside from rent, I don't have many expenses any more: rent, of course (though quite reasonable and includes utilities and internet), a monthly phone bill, hair color every 5 weeks or so, and purchases toward this project. Well, and some clothes from Goodwill. But I'm on food stamps so food is taken care of; I don't have a car (though I do have transportation costs); and I get my books and movies from the library. I'm frugal by nature, which helps, and neither [livejournal.com profile] evannichols nor I are innately inclined to go out a lot. So while cashing out my last and largest (still not that much) retirement fund isn't great, it could grant me over a year's time to focus on this, should I wish to. And I suppose if it all failed after four or five months, or I could establish it was never going to be enough to support us both (as I want to give [livejournal.com profile] evannichols the ability to spend time at home writing rather than doing what he does now; perhaps a pipe dream, but it's my goal), I could go back to job hunting and something would eventually come along.

It's all pretty exciting, though I would rather have had more than five hours' sleep. :P
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (brain chaparral)
There's nothing like being woken up by your alarm in the midst of having a very in-depth dream about helping out with Aleuts who are living in 'the hood' in Anchorage. :shakes head: I really don't understand my subconscious sometimes. I was on the phone with my best friend in Eugene last night until 12:15 or so and then went to sleep, but with my imminent departure to Portland, could not fall straight asleep. I may not have posted this here, but I do have a date: Wednesday, October 5th. Ticket is purchased, my former roommate Julia is picking me up and I'll be staying with her for a couple of days while solidifying my living situation (she's opened her doors to me and really would like for me to live with her, but I think it's best if I'm somewhere else and can have the occasional sleepover and be a good friend. I'm already booked to house- and catsit for her the 23-30 while she goes off on a cruise. I love how this is all working out!), and settling in once again to Stumptown/Rose City, pick your city nickname. When my mind is churning, I was thinking of things like how much cash to take with me and in what dollar bill denominations. This came up because I'll be car-less this go 'round and will need to take TriMet from the get-go and my bank doesn't go that far west. And I HATE paying ATM fees. But this kind of minutiae is what I live with all the time. And berating myself and saying, "You can't do anything about any of this right this minute. GO TO SLEEP," didn't help either. Still, at least I enjoy having to-do lists.

And I sold another item on Etsy yesterday, and not one that I expected to. So exciting! It's so funny that now that I'm counting down to leaving, I've become this force of making money with the least amount of effort. I have Etsy (which isn't difficult, but was quite time-consuming in terms of getting pictures of me in the clothes and resizing pics and all of that), and I had a modeling gig at JMU yesterday and will have one more before taking off, and this evening telemarketing gig that I picked up and started this past Tuesday. It's an at-will company with an ever-revolving door of people (as is common in that world) so I'm going to stay exactly 3 weeks so none of my commissions will be docked and I'll leave a letter the morning that I fly out. And I'll do so without a twinge of guilt. It's not as though I'd be using them as a reference.

This morning I'm off to the poetry center to help a student worker with the database I created. I'm glad to be back with them to assist and spend some time with them again. I'll hopefully be able to spend some time with my former supervisor and let her in on my plans as she's said she would be pleased to be a reference for me. If I do apply to grad school, having her as an academic will be a definite plus.

Happy Friday to everyone!
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (tarot queen of chalices)
It occurred to me that I have several folks on my flist who live in England and you might be interested in coming to hear one of the services or concerts I'll be singing in during the week-long tour. I'd love for you to come and also to introduce yourself to me!! I think everyone on my flist knows what I look like; if not, email me and I'll send a pic off-list. Here's the singing itinerary: Ooops. I just realized that while I have the dates and locations, I don't have the times of day. I'll get that from my choir director tonight and post it tomorrow. But here's the dates and locations:
Thursday, June 24th— Lunchtime Concert in Lady Chapel of Ely Cathedral
Saturday, June 26th— Concert in Durham Cathedral – 2:00pm (okay; I have one time)
Monday, June 28th— Rehearsal and Evensong in York Minster
Tuesday, June 29th— Concert or service in Bradford Cathedral

u.k. map pic )

tarot stuff )
thrihyrne: Portland, OR (kjl young dreamer)
You all know that I have very long, detailed, did I mention detailed and long dreams that I remember more often than not. I don't write them down much anymore as it just gets too confusing when going on in real life, but this past week I've been dreaming of going back "home" to a house under renovation/reconstruction that I didn't remember at all. I was retrieving all of the things I'd had housed there, including photos, letters, and for some reason, loads and loads of jewelry: but things like brooches and earring sets, things I don't actually have in real life.

But last night, I got to dream about… Alan Rickman. Think "Truly, Madly, Deeply" Alan Rickman, but without the facial hair. At first we were both in a period movie, and were long-separated lovers, but it was Victorian or Edwardian, so there was no real getting it on, but lots and lots of really scorching finger touching, nuzzling, nibblekissing, that sort of thing. But then we were together somehow in real life, in current times, and it somehow segued into me being on a trip and a bunch of people running past me to catch a connecting flight and I'd become buddy buddy with somebody that I was going to get opera tickets to. And I was still involved with Alan, but had to wait to fly there and was hanging out with my (turquoise, hard case) suitcase in a waiting area until some flight attendants from another airline said I had to move- turns out my flight wasn't for another 4 hours or somesuch. Anyway, eventually I believe I was able to hang out with Alan and hold hands and there was all kinds of promise for marvelous things to come. The emotional hangover of sorts of happiness of reuniting in both the period piece part and the real life part has made me rather wistful and full of longing… for someone I've not really met.

This is why I try not to write down my dreams: it gets too complex, with the elements going on in my real life, the one that other people interact in, anyway, plus my writing life and the feelings/actions of the characters who demand I write about them, and then this additional layer! Still, I can revel a bit in the memory of something that emotionally happened and felt as real as anything else. And me with no Alan Rickman icon right now... phooey. We'll go with me daydreaming under a tree as a child. I come by this stuff honestly.

Happy Friday!

May 2016

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